


Desire

by EbbaTriesToWrite



Category: iKON (Korea Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, F/M, Friends With Benefits, Jiwon is a turtle, M/M, Rape/Non-con Elements, Unrequited Love, aka slow af
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-07
Updated: 2020-06-16
Packaged: 2020-12-02 00:00:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 34,630
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20941754
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EbbaTriesToWrite/pseuds/EbbaTriesToWrite
Summary: He should have broken it off as soon as he realised what it was that he was feeling. But it was such a gradual development that by the time Hanbin realised, it was too late. One night high on endorphins and alcohol turned into quick blowjobs in the bathroom and lazy makeout sessions when sober. It was just letting off some steam, until it wasn’t, at least for Hanbin.And he doesn’t know how to stop.





	1. Chapter 1

“I can’t believe Yun is our dealer.” Hanbin chuckles, taking the outstretched blunt and putting it between his lips, taking a drag.

“He’s more of a middle man, really.” Jiwon shrugs before chuckling as he watches Hanbin struggle to keep the smoke down, ultimately failing and devolving into hacking coughs.

“Still!” Hanbin exclaims once he got his breath back, “He’s studying to become a teacher and we’re buying drugs from him.”

“How are you still so bad at this?” Jiwon shakes his head and grabs the blunt from Hanbin’s limp fingers and Hanbin knows he was the only one that felt the spark at the brief touch, “We’ve done it like a hundred times.”

“Whatever.” Hanbin shrugs and busies himself with arranging the pillows on his bed so they could lie back comfortably.

He snatches the blunt back and takes a drag, closing his eyes and focusing on the warm fuzzyness that encompases him. He hears some shuffling on the bed and cracks his eyes open just in time to see Jiwon pull his hoodie up and off, his tank top following, revealing a bit of his toned stomach before it falls down again. 

Jiwon throws the hoodie on the ground and usually Hanbin would complain but his tongue suddenly decides not to cooperate as his eyes linger on Jiwon’s arms. His mouth goes dry, or well, dry-er and he snatches the bag of chips Jiwon just grabbed to place it on the ground before throwing a leg over Jiwon’s legs to straddle him. 

“What are you-” Jiwon starts but stops and swallows when Hanbin leans forward, “Oh.” he breathes.

“Yeah.” Hanbin agrees, gazing intensely into Jiwon’s eyes, “Oh.”

He closes the distance between them, lips clashing uncoordinatedly but it’s perfect to Hanbin. The taste of smoke and chips had long since stopped tasting bad to him, especially when the taste was associated with the feeling of Jiwon pressed flush against him. He could already feel Jiwon hardening beneath him and smirked into the kiss, grinding down and making Jiwon groan. 

Jiwon seemed to have forgotten what to do with his hands when the kiss started but Hanbin’s movement sparked him into action and one of them harshly grips his ass while the other blindly reaches for the second blunt. Hanbin pulls away from the kiss to grab the lighter and Jiwon puts the blunt between his lips and he lights it for him, enjoying the sight of Jiwon’s brows furrowing slightly in concentration. The older takes a deep drag before gripping the front of Hanbin’s shirt to press his open mouth against him and Hanbin easily breathes in the smoke, holding his breath, because if he doesn’t, he’ll surely say something stupid. 

They keep lazily making out as they work their way through the blunt and Hanbin loves the soft cottony feeling in his head. His worries just go away and all he needs to think about is the man bellow him. His hair is pulled into a messy man-bun that Jinhwan had made fun of during lunch but all Hanbin had been thinking of was gripping it and just pulling. He smiles and presses harder into the kiss and Jiwon responds instantaneously, gripping his hips tightly and Hanbin can feel the slight jerk between his legs as Jiwon tries to gain some friction. There’s nothing stopping him now so he grinds down hard while one of his hands grips Jiwon’s hair and he revels in the groan the actions pull out of the older’s throat.

“Fuck, Bin.” Jiwon pulls back to look at him with surprise and Hanbin just grins, waiting for him to continue with whatever he was going to say but instead of speaking he just lurches forward. 

He grips Hanbin’s shoulders and pushes him to the side and Hanbin just lets himself fall - like he always does with Jiwon - and rolls onto his back, watching with hooded eyes as Jiwon pulls off his shirt. He’s been working out a lot lately and it’s seriously making things difficult for Hanbin, not that he’d ever tell him to stop, the sight of his toned stomach and broad shoulders much too pleasing. 

“Like what you see?” Jiwon smirks as he tugs at Hanbin’s shirt and he gets the signal, scrambling to sit up slightly so he can pull off the offending piece of cloth before laying back down. 

Jiwon fiddles with his belt and Hanbin lifts his hips naturally so he can help him out of his pants, they’d been feeling too tight for quite a while now. Jiwon’s own sweatpants soon follow and Hanbin’s eyes trail down his body, almost hypnotized. He bites his lip when he looks up to see Jiwon still grinning at him and feels his cheeks heat up slightly as he watches the way Jiwon’s hand trails down his own chest to grip his straining dick through his underwear.

“You want this?” he asks and Hanbin can’t help but laugh because it sounds like a line from a fucking porno or something, but he still nods and Jiwon leans down over him again, hands on each side of his face, “How?”

He always does this; makes sure Hanbin knows this is his choice and it makes him feel safe but somewhere deeper inside, it just makes him feel dirty. Dirty, because he’s deceiving Jiwon, making him think this is nothing when in reality, it’s everything, and dirty because he’s tearing himself apart wanting it all. 

He should have broken it off as soon as he realised what it was that he was feeling. But it was such a gradual development that by the time Hanbin realised, it was too late. One night high on endorphins and alcohol turned into quick blowjobs in the bathroom and lazy makeout sessions when sober. It was just letting off some steam, until it wasn’t, at least for Hanbin. 

And he doesn’t know how to stop.

He’s become addicted to Jiwon’s touch. He loves Jiwon’s hands on his hips as he fucks into him and the feeling of his lips against his. He loves Jiwon. But Jiwon didn’t love him, not in the way Hanbin does. And no matter how much it hurt when the older would crawl out of his bed to go to his own room, Hanbin still relished in the time they were so close to each other that they didn’t know where one of them ended and the other began. 

“Fuck me.” Hanbin says when he realises Jiwon’s expression had changed from expectant to worried as he probably took too long to answer, “Please fuck me.”

Jiwon grins at that and Hanbin thinks he might kiss him but instead he ducks down, kissing down his jaw and neck and Hanbin has to grip his hair because he needs something to ground him when Jiwon starts to nip and suck at the skin. He moans at the sensation and he can feel Jiwon’s smile against his neck but when the older pulls away there’s nothing but lust in his eyes. 

“Turn over.” he says, voice rough already, as he climbs off of Hanbin, pulling off his underwear as he does.

Hanbin does what he asks him, of course he does, and he hears his bedside drawer open but he doesn’t bother looking, instead pulling off his own underwear and getting his knees under him so Jiwon can just get started. He can’t help but giggle when he hears the squelch from the nearly empty bottle and he hears the way Jiwon lets out his own snort of amusement before a gentle hand is gripping his ass. The bed dips slightly as Jiwon moves to get behind him and Hanbin grabs a pillow to rest his head against, gripping it tightly in anticipation. 

Jiwon smears some lube between his cheeks and Hanbin can’t stop himself from jerking away from the touch at the cold but it doesn’t stop Jiwon and soon a finger is prodding at his hole. He forces himself to still and relax as Jiwon gently eases a slick finger inside. His head still feels foggy but the feeling multiplies when Jiwon leans over him, pressing a gentle kiss to the back of his shoulder as he starts moving, slowly working him up so he can add a second finger, and then a third. 

Jiwon always takes his time preparing him. It doesn’t matter if they’re both too strung out, needing a release like yesterday, or if it’s like now, when they just want to feel. They messed up a lot in the beginning and Hanbin still remembers the panicked look on Jiwon’s face when he’d screamed in pain when they were a bit too eager. Jiwon had apologized profusely and had been scared to even hug him in comfort. He still had of course, but only after Hanbin practically threw himself on top of him to stop him from leaving.

The bottle makes the squelching sound and Hanbin laughs again, turning over slightly so he can watch Jiwon stroke his cock, eyes hooded but a fond expression on his face when they lock eyes. He grips Hanbin’s hip with one hand to get him back in position and Hanbin hugs the pillow tightly when he feels Jiwon’s tip against his hole.

“You ready?” Jiwon murmurs and Hanbin responds by pushing his ass back against him, whining low in his throat.

Jiwon groans as he pushes forward and Hanbin has to bite the pillow as to not make any noise. When Jiwon bottoms out he stills for a while, letting Hanbin get used to the feeling, only starting to move once Hanbin stops breathing heavily through his nose and starts grinding back against him. 

And Jiwon seems to have done too much waiting because when he starts, it’s with hard and quick thrusts that nearly make Hanbin’s knees slide out from under him but Jiwon is quickly there to hold him up by the hips. It was such a quick change from the earlier mood that Hanbin feels like he’s getting whiplash. Jiwon is grunting above him and even the pillow can’t contain the noises he’s making. 

“You’re the best fuck I’ve ever had.” Jiwon groans, “So fucking good Bin.”

It’s supposed to be praise but Hanbin’s heart tightens in his chest for all the wrong reasons. Images of Jiwon fucking someone else like this assaults his mind and Hanbin can already feel the tears gathering in his eyes. A pitiful moan forces its way out when Jiwon thrusts particularly deep and the pleasure just feels wrong with the turmoil inside. 

His thighs start trembling and Jiwon finally slows down, breathing heavily above him. He brackets his chest over Hanbin’s back and lazily rolls his hips, kissing the back of his neck as he does and it’s so gentle now. Hanbin’s mind is fuzzy and he can’t keep up with everything that’s going on, both internally and outside. 

_Stop._

The word is at the tip of his tongue but it’s not what he wants. He wants to feel close to him, hearing the moans he’s causing the older man to let out. He wants this.

But he doesn’t. 

Nothing is making any sense and he groans in frustration. Jiwon chuckles, breath tickling his neck, before he lets one of his hands wander bellow them to wrap around Hanbin’s dick. He understands Hanbin, but never fully, because Hanbin needs his release but it’s not all Hanbin needs. 

He doesn’t hold it against him though. Especially not when his dick is pressing against his prostate and his hand is tugging him towards completion. It feels amazing and Hanbin forces himself to focus on the sensations and nothing else. He unconsciously clenches around Jiwon and it forces a gasp out of him before he sinks his teeth into his neck, pulling back to thrust into him again.

It doesn’t take very long after that for him to come, whining loudly as he does and Jiwon bites down a little harder on his neck as he soon follows. His hips still and their breaths come in harmonious pants. Hanbin’s thighs are aching and he finally lets them rest, making Jiwon fall down with him with a little gasp. He still doesn’t pull out and Hanbin quite enjoys the feeling of Jiwon’s weight on him, it makes him feel grounded. 

Jiwon eventually rolls off of him though but Hanbin doesn’t feel ready to move just yet. He feels the bed dip a little and hears the crinkle of a bag and smirks into the pillow, Jiwon’s still got the munchies. And now that he thinks about it, he does too. 

“Gimme.” he mumbles, turning on his side to look up at Jiwon just in time to see him pouring chips straight from the bag into his mouth, “You’re gross.”

“Shut up.” Jiwon says around a mouthful but still hands the bag to him. 

Hanbin reluctantly sits up on the bed and arranges the pillows once again so they can lean comfortably against the wall. He feels heavy as he moves and when he falls back against the pillows he feels like he’s practically melting and a little moan slips out.

“What was that?” Jiwon chuckles, looking at him with curious eyes.

“Comfy.” he mumbles and grabs a handful of chips.

“I can see that.” Jiwon smirks before grabbing the cover and draping it over them, scooting a little closer so it can properly cover both of them.

Jiwon turns on some music, a soft comforting beat, and Hanbin leans his head against his shoulder, enjoying the slight rise and fall as Jiwon breathes. This is Hanbin’s favourite thing. Just _calm._ It’s nice. Even the deadline for his essay in just a few days can’t ruin this. 

“I have a date this weekend.” 

And that, that ruins it.

Hanbin lets out a hum in the sound of a question. It’s all he can do to hide the lump that’s forming in his throat. 

“You know Jihyo, right?” Hanbin nods and Jiwon continues, “Well, we were paired up for this project a few weeks back and we really clicked. Finally mustered up the courage to ask her out yesterday and she said yes.” 

Hanbin can hear the slight giddyness in Jiwon’s voice and he hates himself for hating it. Jiwon’s his best friend for fucks sake, he should be happy for him. But he can’t be. Not when it hurts like this.

“That’s great.” Hanbin says and really hopes it doesn’t sound like the lie it is.

“You’d like her.” Jiwon says and he doesn’t seem to have noticed the way Hanbin’s gone rigid, “She’s a lot like you. Headstrong, smart and a total dork.”

Hanbin doesn’t know what to say to that so he just lets out another hum as he slides himself down on the bed, curling up and hiding his face in Jiwon’s side. He wants to turn around, to forget that Jiwon’s there and what he’s just been told but he can’t do that. He enjoys this closeness too much and besides, Jiwon would be able to tell that something was wrong if he did.

“You tired?” Jiwon asks and suddenly there are fingers running through his hair.

“Yeah.” Hanbin mumbles and he’s glad it’s not another lie.

He isn’t entirely sure when he fell asleep but when he wakes his bed is empty, like always. He tries not to feel hurt, Jiwon had told him he had an early morning class and an essay due the following day, so it made sense that he’d head back to his dorm when Hanbin fell asleep. But Hanbin still wishes he’d have woken him up to say goodbye.

He groggily sits up and peers around his messy room. His desk is stacked with textbooks and papers, just the sight of it makes that familiar lump of anxiety grow in his gut. He pushes it down, he’s used to the feeling by now, and grabs his towel that’s hanging on his chair and hopes the heat of the water will ease the way his shoulders are starting to get stiff again. 

It usually helps but he’d caught sight of his calendar on the wall and the deadline for his essay had glared at him in red marker and closing the door to the bathroom does nothing to make him forget.

The worst part is that it’s not even that hard of an assignment, just a book report, but it still stresses him out. He hasn’t been able to start even though he’s read the book and all the course literature, there’s just something about putting the words down on paper - or screen, whatever - that makes him feel like shit. The knowledge that his professor is going to read it and his fear of failure cripples him completely. It makes him feels pathetic.

He always does. 

He cares too much about what others think of him but he tries so damn hard to hide it behind snarky responses and cold eyes because if people knew just how much of a mess he really was, well, then who would want to know him? He knows his friends have an idea but they don’t know the half of it. Well, maybe Yunhyeong does, they were friends back in high school and Hanbin was way worse back then. But Yunhyeong can’t be classified with other people because Hanbin is pretty sure the man is actually an angel in disguise (despite kinda being his drug dealer). 

The shower manages make him feel warm at least and when he steps out into his room he rummages around for some cozy clothes and as he pulls on his sweatpants his eyes lock onto a sweater on the floor. It’s not his but he still pulls it on, the feeling of being pathetic only amplifying despite how much he likes the scent of it - or maybe it’s because of that.

A quick glance at his clock tells him its past midnight and he finds himself conflicted. He’s still kind of tired and he might actually be able to get some sleep before his 8 AM class but on the other hand he could get started on the essay so that he can prevent his inevitable breakdown. He must have gotten about three hours of sleep and it wasn’t like he hadn’t gone to class with less before. 

His phone vibrates on the floor and he groans as he bends to pick it up.

From: Jiwonie  
I forgot my hoodie, can you bring it at lunch?

And that makes the decision for him. No way will he be able to sleep now. Not when he knows Jiwon is awake and that he must have rushed to get out of his dorm. The small rational part of his brain tells him that Jiwon was high and that was why he forgot the hoodie and that he might just be up now because he needed to go to the bathroom or something. But, problem is, that rational part of his brain is very, _very_ small. 

To: Jiwonie  
Sure.   
What are you even doing up?

He doesn’t get a response but he tries not to dwell on it and simply connects his phone to his speakers and turn on some calm tunes as he settles in front of his desk. He sorts out the papers and books and he can feel himself relaxing slightly at the order it’s creating. He can do this, it’s fine.

He boots up his laptop and he opens his notebook, he’s got plenty of material to work with, he just needs to start writing. It’s totally fine.

Only it isn’t. 

Because even after an hour has passed he hasn’t been able to get a single word down. Or well, he wrote a couple sentences that were shit which promptly erased it and the blinking cursor is mocking him. He’s being ridiculous, he knows, but he can’t help it and he feels like ripping his hair out in frustration. 

He pushes himself away from the desk but it’s not nearly as satisfying as he would have liked because a wheel gets caught on something and halts the movement. Maybe cleaning his room will help. 

It’s 3 AM by the time he’s gotten all his dirty clothes in the hamper and gathered up his dishes to bring to the kitchen later so he wouldn’t be waking up the others in the corridor. He didn’t feel much better but he still sat himself in front of the computer again and he forced himself to remember Yunhyeong’s advice. 

Just write and write and write. You’ll eventually get somewhere and even if it’s shit there’s still something to work with. Hanbin’s pretty sure the advice doesn’t just apply to his essay but right now that is all he wants to focus on. Because if he starts thinking about other things there’s no way he’ll get anything done.


	2. Chapter 2

Bobby is glad they all decide to have lunch together as often as they can, it’s easy to lose contact with people when you don’t see them often and these guys aren’t friends he’s willing to lose. The others are already sitting at a table when he arrives at the cafeteria and Chanwoo waves him over with a lazy smile.

“Hanbin, you look like shit.” Bobby chuckles as he sits down but he gets nothing in response from the younger man apart from a low grumble that might have been words and he glances over at Donghyuk with a questioning look, “What’s wrong with him?”

“He didn’t fucking sleep,” Donghyuk shrugs, “like always.”

“What?” Bobby looks at Hanbin again and frowns at the dark circles under his eyes, “But he was completely knocked out when I left yesterday, didn’t even stir when I tried to say bye.”

“Stressed.” Hanbin mumbles and his head looks like it was about a second from slipping of Yunhyeong’s shoulder and face plant into his food.

“I’m taking him home after we’ve eaten,” Yunhyeong sighs and pushes Hanbin’s head back a bit, “I don’t have any classes this afternoon anyways.”

“I’m fine.” Hanbin whines.

“Shut up idiot.” Jinhwan scoffs and raises his hand as if to slap him over the head but Bobby sees the moment his eyes soften and his hand simply rests on top of his hair, “You need to take better care of yourself.” he says softly.

Jiwon leans over the table, a hand resting on top of Hanbin’s to get his attention, “You really should. We can’t have a repeat of last semester, alright?”

“Yeah.” Hanbin mumbles and closes his eyes, nuzzling his head slightly to get more comfortable on Yunhyeong’s shoulder.

They’re all used to Hanbin being like this and conversation manages to flow freely even over the occasional whine he lets out. At some point Hanbin pulls his hood over his head and pushes away his tray to rest his head on the table and Bobby finds it both cute and pitiful but he continues to listen to Junhoe’s complaining.

“I’ve got a date today.” he declares when there’s a lull in the conversation and he can see Hanbin jerk slightly when he speaks, he’s not quite sure if the man is awake or not though.

“Really?” Chanwoo asks, an amused expression on his face.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” he challenges and Chanwoo shrugs, raising his hands in surrender and Bobby rolls his eyes, Chanwoo is an expert at getting a reaction out of them and he can see just how pleased he gets each time he gets it.

“Who?” Jinhwan asks, sparing a quick glance at their mess of a friend.

“A girl in my class, Jihyo.” he says, trying to keep the excitement out of his voice, “I think you’ve met her, at that party right after summer?”

“I remember her.” Yunhyeong says and his hand comes to rest over Hanbin’s head, “She seems sweet.”

“She is.” Bobby agrees, “And funny.”

“And super hot.” Junhoe adds, “Way out of your league.” 

“Fuck you.” he laughs and swats at the younger, 

“It’s true though.” Jinhwan says but covers it with a cough and Bobby just glares at him.

“I’m taking her out for coffee this afternoon. That’s good for a first date, right?” and he can’t hide the uncertainty in his voice, “Maybe dinner would be better?”

“You should probably take him home now.” Jinhwan says and Bobby feels confused before he follows the older’s eyes and they land at Hanbin who’s finally raised his head. He can see the younger has tears in his eyes and his heart clenches. Hanbin always gets headaches when he doesn’t sleep and the noise in the cafeteria probably isn’t helping. 

“Yeah, I think I will.” Yunhyeong’s voice sounds oddly stiff as he stands, grabbing both his and Hanbin’s trays. 

Hanbin doesn’t move though and Bobby frowns, he seems to be more ill than he’d thought. He glances back to see Yunhyeong putting their trays away and quickly stands up, rounding the table and pulling Hanbin up by the elbow and he pouts in sympathy when the younger leans heavily into him, he must be feeling awful.

“Come on Bin,” he whispers as he leads him towards Yunhyeong, “you’ll be home and in bed soon.”

“Come with me?” Hanbin mumbles and Bobby wouldn’t have heard him if he wasn’t pressed so close.

“I can’t, I got class and my date, remember?” Bobby says as Yunhyeong peels Hanbin away from him.

“Don’t go.” he hears him say but Yunhyeong is already leading him away and the look the older sends Bobby over his shoulder is something between anger and sympathy. Bobby doesn’t understand it.

* * *

The rest of the afternoon passes quickly and for once Bobby actually feels like he understood what was covered in the lecture. Jihyo was sitting further up front and she’s waiting for him by the door with a soft smile on her face. She’s so _pretty._ Effortlessly so too, hair tied up in a bun and a few strands of hair falling down to frame her round face. She’s barely wearing any make up and she’s just wearing a sweater, making Bobby feel less self conscious about his baggy clothes.

“You ready to go?” he asks once he’s close enough and he smirks slightly when her friend winks at him and giggles a few feet away from them.

“Yeah.” she says, following his gaze and chuckles slightly, “Ignore her please, she’s almost more excited about this than I am.”

“Almost.” Bobby mumbles and bites his lip to not break into a full on smile.

They talk about the lecture as they walk into the city center and Bobby considers grabbing her hand but figures it’s a bit too early for that even though he’d love to see how his hand would cover hers completely. She’s not too small, only a couple inches shorter than him but he kind of likes that.

He leads her down a less busy street and over to a small cafe Hanbin showed him when they first became friends. It’s a hipster place and their coffee is amazing, it’s also quiet, perfect for a first date. 

It’s a bit of an argument when they order because they both insist they’ll pay but Jihyo somehow manages to convince Bobby to let her and he can feel his heart flutter slightly at the fact. Not many people are more stubborn than him and he’s glad she’s a bit of a challenge, it makes things interesting.

“How’s it going with the assignment by the way?” Bobby asks conversationally as they sit down with their drinks at a window table.

“Okay. I’m pretty much done.” Jihyo says and glances up at him before looking down, a little blush on her cheeks, “I worked so hard yesterday so I wouldn’t have to cancel today.”

Bobby felt his own cheeks heat up and he bit his lip to keep himself from smiling too brightly, “Same here.” he says softly and Jihyo eyes snap up to him in surprise.

“Really?” 

“Yeah.” Bobby laughs, “I had already gotten started but when you said yes to this I rushed to complete it. Didn’t think you would, say yes that is.”

“Why not?” Jihyo asks and to his surprise one of her hands reach out to grip his hand resting on the table, “You must have noticed that I like you.”

“My friends say I’m the most oblivious person on earth so it was honestly just a shot in the dark.” he says, his free hand reaching up to rub the back of his neck nervously.

“Well then I’ll just have to be super obvious I guess.” Jihyo smiles brightly and Bobby feels some of his nerves ebb away at the sight. 

Another reason Bobby likes this place is the music. It’s chill, mostly acoustic covers, and it always lulls him into a relaxed state. The silences in conversation don’t feel awkward because of it and Bobby makes a mental note to thank Hanbin for showing him the place.

“I gotta know,” Jihyo says suddenly and leans forward across the table a little, “why is your name Bobby?”

“Well,” he smiles sheepishly at the sudden question, “I spent a few years in America and the name just kinda stuck.”

He doesn’t bother going into the shame he used to feel over his name, how he felt like he was betraying his own culture for trying to blend in, it feels like a bit much for a first date. Besides, he likes his name now, it makes him cool and different and it tells a story. Jihyo asking is proof of that.

_“Hey Bin,” Bobby said softly and turned to face Hanbin on the bed and the younger peeked one eye open and waited for him to speak, “why do you never call me Bobby?”_

_“It’s not you.” Hanbin shrugged before backtracking, “Or well, it is, of course it is. But Bobby’s cool and confident while Jiwon is funny and sweet and a_ total _nerd.”_

_“Hey!”_

_Hanbin laughed and Bobby did too, “It’s true though!”_

_“Maybe a little.” Bobby chuckled before he frowned, “You didn’t answer my question.”_

_“I think I did.” Hanbin smiled and pushed himself down and forward to curl up against Bobby’s chest - or was it Jiwon’s?_

“America!” Jihyo exclaimes and Bobby startles a little at the high tone, “I’ve always wanted to go there, what’s it like?”

“It’s very different from here.” he smiles, “Much more diverse and it’s so big. We went on a roadtrip once over the summer and it was amazing, so much culture and so many people. I loved it.”

“Do you ever miss it?” Jihyo asks and leans forward a bit in interest.

“Sometimes,” he admits, “but I really like it here. It’s home, you know.”

Jihyo nods and she takes a sip of her latte, the cream giving her a mustache and Bobby can’t stop the bark of laughter that comes out. Fortunately she doesn’t take offence even though her cheeks tint a delightful pink as she wipes her mouth with a napkin.

“You could totally pull off a mustache.” he chuckles and she reaches over to slap his arm even as she laughs.

“Shut up.”

* * *

A few days later Bobby finds himself in his dorm, reading through some powerpoints in preparation for his classes that week and Hanbin is sat on his bed behind him, doing some studying of his own. The younger looks better today and he actually seems aware of what’s going on. 

He stretches and yawns, swirling around with his chair to look at Hanbin and he changes his mind. Hanbin’s eyes are staring at the wall and Bobby can practically hear the wheels turning in his head. He sighs deeply and gets up to sit down across from him on the bed and only then does Hanbin seem to come back to the real world.

“I think it’s time for a break.” he declares and Hanbin smiles and nods, “You alright?”

“Yeah. I’m fine.” Hanbin says quickly and closes the books in front of him to place them on the bedside table, but he keeps one of the papers from his notebook in his hand.

“So you aren’t stressed about your essay?” Bobby prompts and Hanbin looks at him, surprised, “Yun told me that’s why you were practically dead on your feet the other day.”

“I’ve already submitted it. Well, Yun did it for me.” Hanbin smiles sheepishly before looking away, “He even proof read it for me and said it looked good so I’m trying not to worry.”

“And how’s that going for you?” Bobby asks softly, hands reaching out to stop Hanbin from tearing apart his paper even more.

Hanbin looks up abruptly at the touch and Bobby sighs, the younger doesn’t even realise when he does most of his nervous ticks and it pains him to know it. He wishes Hanbin had more faith in himself, the stress was constantly tearing him apart and Bobby hated just watching it happen, he wants to help but he just doesn’t know how.

“You need some help relaxing?” he asks, smirking slightly as he lets his hand rest on Hanbin’s leg.

“Aren’t you and Jihyo dating?”

“Well,” Bobby chuckles, squeezing Hanbin’s thigh a little, “it’s not exactly serious yet.”

“Yet.” Hanbin echoes and seems to think it over in his head before he lurches forward to press his lips against his.

Bobby doesn’t let his surprise win and quickly reciprocates the kiss and it’s through habit that they manage to move together into a lying position. Bobby’s hovering above Hanbin, resting with his elbows on either side of his head and he lets one of his hands find it’s way to Hanbin’s hair to tangle in the dark strands.

He raises his head to lock eyes with Hanbin and he smirks at how flushed the younger already looks, “How long do you want this break to last?”

“However long you want.” Hanbin smiles cheekily and sends an obvious look to the right and ah, the bedside table.

“Glad I stocked up.” he chuckles and reaches over to open the drawer and pull out the lube and condoms.

He throws the items on the bed and moves back to pull his shirt off and in his excitement he somehow manages to get tangled up and all he can see is shadows through the material of his shirt. Hanbin laughs at him but he quickly helps him out and when he does their faces are impossibly close, bright smiles on both of their faces.

“You’re an idiot.” Hanbin says with a laugh before closing the distance between them and Bobby’s hands naturally find themselves resting on the younger’s waist. 

He tugs at Hanbin’s sweater - it’s actually his but he kinda likes the way it looks on Hanbin so he doesn’t mention it - and he leans back so he can pull it off. Hanbin lays back down and Bobby can’t help but frown at how much his ribs stick out, he’s lost weight again. 

Hanbin wiggles as he gets out of his pants and Bobby smiles slightly at the sight and pulls off his own sweats and underwear. He tosses their clothes on the floor and leans down again to kiss down Hanbin’s neck, chest, and then stomach, relishing in the way his breaths stutter as he does. He can feel Hanbin’s cock straining in his underwear and he palms him through them as he sucks a hickey against his hip.

“Ji- Jiwon please.” Hanbin whines and Bobby smirks against the skin, pulling back to pull off Hanbin’s underwear.

He looks up quickly to see if Hanbin’s still okay and grabs the lube before scooting down further on the bed to wrap his lips around Hanbin. Simply keeping him in his mouth as he tries to open the bottle and squirts some lube over his fingers. He sucks a little as he starts prodding against Hanbin’s hole and a loud moan escapes before its cut off and he looks up to see Hanbin with his hand clamped over his mouth.

“You know I love your noises.” he pulls off to say and grabs Hanbin’s arm with his free hand, pulling it away so he can’t hide, “Let me hear you.”

“Jiwon-” Hanbin starts but Bobby goes down on him again and he groans loudly as he starts bobbing his head just as he pushes one finger in.

It always amazes him just how tight Hanbin feels, how _good_ he feels, and he takes his time stretching him out. It makes him feel powerful, that he’s able to make Hanbin adapt to him, he never does in any other situation, too stubborn for his own good sometimes.

“I’m gonna come.” Hanbin says and grips Bobby’s hair to pull him off and Bobby wipes at his face to get rid of the saliva that’s gathered around his mouth. 

He continues fingering Hanbin and kisses up and down his chest as he does and the little huffs of air and small moans the younger lets out makes him ache in arousal. He hasn’t even touched himself yet but Hanbin’s always had this affect on him and when he finally feels stretched enough Bobby feels like he’s gonna explode. He expertly rolls the condom on and lines himself up, hovering above Hanbin’s face to see his reaction and all he needs is the tiny nod before he’s pushing forward with a low groan. 

He feels so fucking _good._

“Fuck, Bin.” he groans when he’s completely inside and Hanbin grips his shoulders and wraps his legs around him, as if he needs Bobby even closer somehow.

When Hanbin starts grinding slightly he can’t hold back any longer and he starts thrusting, leaning his head down to capture Hanbin’s lips. They’re barely kissing, more like breathing each other’s air and moaning into each other’s mouths and it shouldn’t be as hot as it is. 

He can feel Hanbin clenching around him and he knows he’s close. He slinks a hand between them and jerks him off in time with the thrusts and he’s not far behind with how tight Hanbin feels around him.

“I’m gonna-” Hanbin doesn’t even finish his sentence before he’s over the edge and Bobby jerks him through it.

“Me too.” he pants and goes faster, chasing that high and he nearly collapses on top of Hanbin as he comes.

He has to pull out because of the oversensitivity and he throws the condom away before laying down next to Hanbin, both of them are still panting heavily and Bobby chuckles slightly. 

“What’s so funny?” Hanbin asks, turning to his side with a groan to look at him and Bobby just shrugs.

“I don’t even know.”

“You’re weird.” Hanbin scoffs and Bobby can’t argue with it.

They just lay there in silence for a while, letting themselves catch their breaths, before Hanbin declares he needs a shower and grabs his clothes and a towel from Bobby’s closet. Bobby considers following him, they’ve never had shower sex before, but he feels exhausted and he’s nowhere near ready for another round.

Another round.

Now that he thinks about it, this might have been their last round. If he and Jihyo become a thing he can’t keep doing this and to his surprise the realisation makes a spark of pain run through his chest. It’s a weird thing, what he and Hanbin have, but it’s good, Bobby likes it. Having this closeness and relief with a person, it’s nice and he’s not sure anyone else could give him what Hanbin does. 

He’s in the middle of this internal conversation when Hanbin comes back from the bathroom and his hair is wet and flat, his - Bobby’s - hoodie back on, and he looks soft.

“I’m gonna head back to my dorm, I won’t be able to get any work done here anyways.” he says as he grabs his bag and packs his books.

“Okay.” Bobby says and a yawn forces itself out just as he does, making Hanbin chuckle slightly and the sound makes Bobby smile.

Hanbin puts on his jacket and shoulders his bag before walking over to the bed and leaning over to place a soft kiss on Bobby’s cheek. In some strange way it feels like more than a goodbye.


	3. Chapter 3

It’s hard getting out of bed when your chest constantly aches and the lump in your stomach keeps growing. Hanbin’s thinks this might be heartbreak and he feels stupid if is. It’s not like he ever had a chance to begin with and he’d known it from the start. He didn’t once believe that Jiwon would suddenly profess his love for him, because honestly, who could ever love him? 

He’s a damn mess but he gives himself some credit for crawling out of bed to go to classes but other than that he doesn’t do anything other than lay in bed, wallowing in self pity even though he knows he shouldn’t. It feels a lot like high school but this has a reason at least, and he’s not numb this time. He briefly wonders if that would have been better than this pain but he discards that thought quickly. Numbness is not good, at the very least, pain lets him know he’s alive.

Which is probably why Yunhyeong forces himself into his room after two weeks of ignored calls and messages. The relief that had shown on his face when Hanbin opened the door made him feel guilty but the older wrapped him up in a hug so warm that he almost felt okay, almost. 

Yunhyeong doesn’t leave and even though Hanbin wishes he would, he’s incredibly thankful to have someone’s lap to rest his head on. He tries to listen when Yunhyeong tells him what’s going on in his life and what the others are up to but he can’t quite keep his focus. He’s still distinctly aware of the fact that Jiwon’s name hasn’t been mentioned once.

“It’s okay to be sad,” Yunhyeong sighs when he’s run out of things to talk about, running his hand through his hair comfortingly, “you know that right?”

“Is it?” Hanbin doesn’t open his eyes, he doesn’t want to see how the older is looking at him right now, “I’m supposed to be happy for him and yet I’m like _this._”

“Yeah you are,” Yunhyeong agrees and pulls slightly at Hanbin’s hair, making his eyes open in surprise, “but that’s okay, as long as you’re not like _this_ forever. As long as you don’t keep pushing us away.”

Hanbin closes his eyes again. He knows he’s worried his friends over the past weeks with how much he’s avoided them but he can’t handle them right now. Not when Jiwon’s always there, talking about Jihyo as Jinhwan and Yunhyeong send him looks of sympathy that Jiwon would eventually understand. He knows Junhoe is starting to clue in on the situation and even if Donghyuk and Chanwoo are still as oblivious as ever they still worry about him and it makes him feel like shit.

“There’s a party on Friday.” Yunhyeong says after a while, seemingly realising Hanbin isn’t going to respond, “You’re gonna be there.”

“That doesn’t sound like a question.” Hanbin cracks an eye open and Yunhyeong just stares down at him with an unimpressed look.

“That’s because it isn’t.”

* * *

He’s arriving late at the party and the only reason he’s even there is because of the way the group chat wouldn’t stop blowing up and when he muted it the others all took to messaging him individually. He had to admit it was rather amusing to see how the legibility of the messages decreased by the hours but he’d hoped they’d get too drunk and forget him but there was no such luck. So Hanbin had pushed himself out of bed, pulling on clothes that weren’t sweats for the first time in a week, and headed of to Jinhwan’s. 

He could hear music blasting even before he got up the first flight of stairs and he had to take a calming breath before pushing the door open. He instantly wishes he hadn’t done so because the first thing he sees is Jiwon pulling Jihyo behind him further into the apartment and there is no doubt what’s going on if their flushed faces is anything to go by. 

“Binnie!” Donghyuk’s the first one to notice him and he barrels into him heavily with unsteady steps, “You made it!”

“Yeah.” he mumbles and pats the younger’s back before pushing him away to kick off his shoes and hang up his jacket. 

Donghyuk excitedly pulls him inside and to the kitchen. Hanbin instantly feels crowded in the small apartment with too many people. He knows a lot of them but there are a few unfamiliar faces and when Jinhwan hands him a cup of _whatever_ he quickly gulps it down despite the burn. Liquid courage is crucial if he’s going to make it through this night.

“We’re gonna go out in like an hour!” Jinhwan yells over the music and raises a bottle of vodka in question and Hanbin silently holds his cup out.

“He’s getting drunk?” Chanwoo appears as if out of nowhere and wraps an arm around his shoulders, “It’s a miracle! Tonight’s gonna be awesome.”

Hanbin forces a smile as he grabs some soda to mix his drink. He’s pulled out into the living room and someone goes to the bathroom and he does what any person would do and steals their spot on the couch. He tries to listen in on the conversation but the music is too loud and he can’t quite focus. 

The person next to him moves and Junhoe plops down next to him, nursing a bottle of beer in his hand and he nods at Hanbin in greeting before leaning over to the girl next to him, striking up easy conversation that makes Hanbin jealous. He’s not really the most talkative person when he’s around people he doesn’t know but he likes most people and he wishes he had the ability to talk to them. The only reason he even has friends here at university is because of Yunhyeong, who for some reason didn’t abandon him. 

He sighs deeply and leans back in his seat to at least get a bit more comfortable. He casually sips his drink and watches the people in the room. He can see Donghyuk and Yunhyeong in the kitchen, leaning of each other as they laugh about something and Jinhwan’s sat in front of the speakers, changing songs every few seconds and Hanbin’s pretty sure it’s the plastered girl next to him that’s making the requests. 

He can’t find Chanwoo though and as he looks around he catches sight of Jiwon and Jihyo coming back from wherever they had went, he tries not to think about it. Jiwon happily waves at him when they lock eyes but he doesn’t seem bothered to make his way over and he and Jihyo stops to lean against the wall, just talking. 

“You like him, don’t you?” Junhoe says suddenly and Hanbin startles slightly and glances over at him before needing to look away from the imploring eyes.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Hanbin says and he tries to look anywhere except at where Jiwon is stood, hand now resting comfortably on Jihyo’s waist as she leans closer and giggles about something.

“I’m not dumb.” Junhoe says and wraps an arm around him, “Not like Bob is.”

Hanbin doesn’t bother answering and to his own surprise he leans closer to Junhoe. The two of them aren’t exactly close, Junhoe’s Jiwon’s best friend from high school and Hanbin had always been a little intimidated by him. But now he doesn’t feel that, he’s enjoying the strong arm around his back and the gentle but firm grip Junhoe has on his waist. _It’s because it almost feels like Jiwon_ \- his mind unhelpfully adds and Hanbin pushes the thought away, taking take a swig of his drink instead.

Junhoe fortunately changed the topic and even got Jinhwan to lower the volume so Hanbin could actually keep his focus. It was actually nice to talk to Junhoe even though the younger’s speech was starting to slur and by the time Jinhwan ushered everyone out to go to the club Hanbin wasn’t feeling nearly as down as he had that morning. 

He had considered just heading home but as they stepped outside Jiwon strode up to him, wrapping an arm around him and begged him to come along because he’d missed him so much. And Hanbin had never claimed to be a strong man and so he went with them.

Yunhyeong and Chanwoo quickly headed for a couple tables to keep as the rest of them went to the bar to get them drinks. Hanbin hesitated if he should get another drink or if he should just stay tipsy and slink away when the others were on the dance floor later but then he caught sight of Jiwon leaning in to whisper in Jihyo’s ear and he got himself a rum and coke. 

When they sat down at the tables Hanbin doesn’t even bother trying to listen to what the others are saying over all the noise. At least the music isn’t bad and when some old school classic comes on and Yunhyeong despretaly tugs at his arm to get him to join them on the dance floor he can’t find it in himself to refuse. 

He’s not the best dancer but he can move to the beat at least and when Jiwon suddenly gets up in front of him, jumping and singing along stupidly, he feels himself loosening up. He’s going to enjoy himself damnit, no matter that it’s only the alcohol that’s making him feel this way and that he’ll probably be exhausted in the morning. 

A slow sensual song turns on and Hanbin opens his eyes in shock only to see Jiwon looking at him with hooded eyes and a lazy smile on his lips. His hands slink to his waist to pull him close and Hanbin can’t stop the little gasp from slipping out and he feels Jiwon chuckle more than he hears it. The song continues to play and Jiwon starts to sway, moving them with the beat and Hanbin bites his lip as he raises his arms to wrap them loosely around the older’s shoulders. 

What they’re feeling isn’t the same. To Jiwon this is funny, because they’re friends moving as though they were lovers and Hanbin, all he feels is longing, for this to be real. For Jiwon to feel the same.

But he doesn’t and when the song ends he pulls away, looking around and his face lights up in happiness when he finds what he’s looking for. Hanbin doesn’t even bother following his gaze and simply lets himself be misplaced by all the people moving and he wishes he hadn’t caught the sight of Jihyo making her way through the crowd because all he can imagine now is her being pressed as close to Jiwon as he had been just a minute ago.

Hanbin isn’t sure how much time passes but suddenly Jiwon’s back in front of him and Jihyo is clinging to his hand. He’s talking to him but Hanbin can’t tear his eyes away from where the two are connected. He wants that to be him, he wants to be the one Jiwon holds so he won’t get lost in the masses. He wants to be the one Jiwon wants.

“We’re gonna go!” he finally hears what Jiwon’s saying and he snaps his eyes up to look at him, “The others are over by the tables!” 

Hanbin nods dumbly and swallows heavily as he watches them leave and the pain from before feels even worse. He should have known this wasn’t a good idea and he definitely does not feel drunk enough to not hurt right now.

He navigates through the people - more like stumbles, but it’s not like he’s the only one here on unsteady legs - to the bar. He finds a gap and pushes himself forward, leaning over the counter slightly and stares at the bartender to get his attention. But there’s a lot of people and they’re much louder than him. 

“What can I get you?” the bartender finally asks and Hanbin startles slightly, he hadn’t exactly thought that far.

“Three tequila shots.” he says and when the bartender raises his brows he adds, “and a beer.” 

As if that makes it better. But the bartender just shrugs, grabs his card, hands it back, and places three shot glasses on the bar and pours them for him, he nods to the salt cellar by the napkins and places a lemon on each shot. He gets his beer and Hanbin takes a sip despite the fact that he hates the taste.

“There you are!” Jinhwan’s suddenly next to him, “I thought you’d left!” 

Hanbin doesn’t answer and pours salt on his hand instead and quickly licks it up before grabbing one of the shots, downing it. He almost gags at the taste but bites down on the lemon to push it down before repeating the process with the second shot.

“Dude, maybe you should slow down.” Jinhwan says and grabs the salt so he can’t do it again.

“You’re the one who-” he gags slightly and he has to stop and breathe to keep himself from actually vomiting and Jinhwan looks at him in concern so he pushes past the little obstacle and continues, “You’re the one who wanted me to come out.” 

“Still-” 

Hanbin doesn’t care what Jinhwan’s going to say so he simply turns and downs the last shot without the damn salt and bites the lemon. Nothing tastes worse than knowing Jiwon’s probably fucking Jihyo right now, anyway. He grabs the beer and pushes away from the bar, ignoring the way Jinhwan tries to reach out for him. 

The club is still crowded and even though Hanbin feels like the floor is shifting under him it’s easy to get away from the shorter man. He supposes his anger is playing a large role in his movements. They all insisted he was to come to the damn party and Jinhwan and Yunhyeong knew Jiwon would be there, and with Jihyo too. They keep acting like they know what’s good for him yet then they go and do this.

“Bin!” a hand grabs his shoulder and Hanbin angrily shrugs it off of him.

He keeps walking but he can feel someone behind him and stops he reels around, coming face to face with Junhoe. The taller man nearly stumbles into him and he laughs but quickly stops when he locks eyes with him and his forehead creases in concern, the flashing lights makes it stand out more.

“What’s wrong?” Junhoe asks over the music.

“Fucking Jinan.” he practically growls.

“What’d he do?” Junhoe asks and Hanbin wants to answer but suddenly the room is spinning and he feels nauseous, “Whoa, you okay dude?”

Junhoe grips his arms to steady him and Hanbin tries to breathe through it, he doesn't want to throw up here. Not when Jinhwan might be watching, judging.

“I wanna leave.” he says when he doesn’t feel like he’s going to throw up anymore.

“Okay, yeah.” Junhoe nods and pulls him along towards the wardrobe and the exit, “Let’s get you home, buddy.” 

Moving makes the nausea spike and Hanbin has to trust Junhoe to get his jacket for him because he can’t focus on anything other than keeping the vomit down. As soon as he gets hit by the cool night air he rushes to the side to throw up against a wall. He feels a large hand rubbing his back comfortingly and he feels a few tears slip out as he retches.

“Just get it out, it’s alright.” Junhoe says softly and Hanbin hears some girls with whiny voices ask if he’s okay, “He’s fine!”

“Yeah I am.” Hanbin stands up straight and wipes his mouth with his sleeve, “I am completely _FINE!_” 

Junhoe, to his credit, doesn’t even flinch and simply throws an arm around his waist and starts leading him home. He doesn’t really have the ability to focus on anything other than putting one foot in front of the other and he’s not even very good at that and he nearly trips the both of them over a few times. They have to make a few stops on the way so Hanbin can throw up and no matter how much it sucks, it makes him feel better. 

“I’ve never seen you this wasted.” Junhoe laughs as Hanbin leans against the wall while he unlocks the door.

“Liquid courage.” Hanbin mumbles and hiccups.

“You need courage to be around us now?” Junhoe sounds oddly serious as he opens the door before grabbing Hanbin’s arm to pull him inside.

“Whoa-” he looks around the room and he realises just how drunk he really is, he was sure they were going back to Junhoe’s place, “this is my room!”

Junhoe pushes him down on the bed and laughs, “I’m glad you recognize it.”

“But how’d we get inside?” he frowns, he never gave Junhoe the keys.

“I pickpocketed your keys when you were puking your guts out.” Junhoe chuckles and kneels in front of him to untie his shoes for him.

“You’re nicer than I thought you’d be.” Hanbin muses and shrugs out of his jacket.

“Thanks, I guess.” Junhoe looks up at him with an amused expression before looking around the room, searching for something but Hanbin doesn’t really care.

He toes out of his shoes with ease and lays down on the bed, squirming slightly so that he can pull the covers out from under him. He hears water running and then Junhoe’s back - not that Hanbin had even realised he’d left - with a glass of water.

“Drink this.” he orders and Hanbin groans but sits up, “Do you have a bucket or something?”

“Not gonna throw up,” Hanbin says between gulps, “don’t think there’s anything left to throw up anyways.”

Junhoe nods even though he looks sceptical and Hanbin can’t help but giggle. Tonight’s been a total mess and the one who saved him is fucking Junhoe, who’d have thought? 

He stops giggling when he sees Junhoe turn around though and he becomes distinctly more aware of how empty his room is becoming with each step the younger takes away from him

“Stay.” he whispers and Junhoe stops and turns around, brows raised in question, “I can’t be alone when he-, when he’s not.”

There must be something in his voice because Junhoe sighs and shrugs out of his jacket, “Scoot over.”

Hanbin moves to make room and Junhoe turns off the lights. The bed dips and Hanbin forces himself not to think about the last person that made it do that.


	4. Chapter 4

Bobby wakes up to hair tickling his nose and a pounding headache. He smiles a little and wraps his arms tighter around Jihyo who whines and when he opens his eyes he sees hers blink open slowly. She squeezes them shut quickly though and her face cutely scrunches up as she groans.

“You okay?” he asks and winces slightly at the scratch in his throat. 

“It’s too bright.” her voice is thick with sleep and she pulls up the cover to cover her head and in the process Bobby’s too.

He blinks and slowly his eyes adjust to the darkness and he’s for the first time grateful that he could only afford the cheapest of covers because he can vaguely make out Jihyo’s face. Her breath smells awful but he’s sure his own does too so he leans his head forward slightly to press his lips against hers. He feels the beginnings of a smile against his lips before he pulls away and she follows his motions to give him another kiss and he feels warmth bloom in his chest. 

Last night had been great. He had been slightly worried about getting drunk with Jihyo for the first time, he could get pretty wild but he should have known she wouldn’t be deterred. She nearly drank as much as him and she had been so fun. Her jokes became ruder the more drunk she got and she was a great dancer. He’d practically been hypnothised by her movements.

“I think I’m in love with you.” he whispers and he feels her stiffen in his hold before she lurches up, pulling the cover off of them.

He sits up hesitantly, heart beating hard in his chest and he curses his sleepy self’s lack of filter. He’s trying to find a way to take the words back as she looks at him with an expression he can’t quite decipher.

“What did you say?” her voice is impossibly small and it’s the first time he’s heard her sound anything but confident. 

He doesn’t want to take the words back, so he says it again.

“I think I’m in love with you.”

“Say it again.” she says and the smile on her face makes Bobby’s worries fade slightly.

“I think I’m in love with you.” he says and he lets one of his hands grip her’s. 

“Same.” she says and Bobby can’t help but laugh.

She blushes furiously and it only makes him laugh harder. The tense atmosphere goes away and he lays back on the bed, still laughing but it slowly fades and a doopy smile is all that’s left. He just told her he might be in love with her and she, she feels the same way. He looks up at her and he blushes slightly when he sees that the shirt she’s wearing - his shirt - has slid down slightly to expose one of her shoulders and her collar bones stand out beautifully.

“I think I’m in love with you too.” she says and her cheeks is bright red, she covers her face and whines, “I can’t believe I just said ‘same’ in response, oh my _god,_ I’m so sorry.”

He chuckles as he sits up and he pulls her hands away from her face and she looks at him with a small pout on her lips that he just can’t resist kissing. 

“It was cute.” he says against her lips and he can feel her smiling, “You’re cute.”

“You thought I was _hot_ last night.” she teases and he scoffs, “You gotta make up your mind here.”

“Who says you can’t be both?” he shrugs and she laughs.

She gets up to shower and with a wink she asks if he’ll join her and Bobby doesn’t see a point in saying no. It’s only to save water, he’s all for the environment you know. And if she kneels down in front of him as the water cascades down on them, seductively kissing up his thigh and then licking at the underside of his dick before wrapping her lips around it, well, no one needs to know. 

He feels refreshed and relaxed after the shower and Jihyo borrows his toothbrush while he reclines in his bed. It feels oddly domestic and it’s only amplified when she steals one of his sweaters. It looks big on her and when she curls up to him, head resting on his chest, he feels nothing but content. It’s a little bit weird, he thinks, that this reminds him of Hanbin but he reasons that a feeling like this can’t possibly be anything but right. 

“I should probably head home.” Jihyo says through a yawn even as she moves slightly to get more comfortable.

“Or you can stay here.” he says and grabs the hand that’s resting on his chest to play with her fingers.

“My roommate’s gonna be worried.” she sighs.

“Just message her you’re here.” he shrugs.

“You think that’s gonna help?” she laughs, “This is Sooyoung I’m talking about.”

“That the girl who winked at me when we went on our first date?” 

“Yeah, she’s way to invested in our relationship.” she groans but Bobby can hear the fondness in her voice.

“I wish my friends would care.” Bobby isn’t sure why he says it but it’s true.

Each time he’d bring Jihyo up they’d scoff and joke before changing the subject. He tries not to feel hurt by it but he can’t help it, he always feels like they’re judging him and he doesn’t get why. When Junhoe dated a girl freshman year everyone had been supportive, asking him questions about her but for some reason they don’t do that with him. He thinks it probably has to do with the way he carries himself, like he doesn’t really care about much, but he thought his friends knew him better than that.

“I’m sure they do care.” Jihyo says softly and squeezes his hand, “Maybe they just don’t think this is serious?”

“Is it?” he grins and she twists to look up at him with a mock glare, “Are we boyfriend and girlfriend?” 

“Yes.” she’s blushing now and Bobby’s grin grows wider, “I thought that was obvious.”

“I’m just messing with you.” he chuckles and ruffles her wet hair.

* * *

Hanbin joins them for lunch for the first time in what feels like ages but his excitement for seeing him dimms slightly when he sees how pale and skinny he looks and it’s replaced by guilt. He’s been so busy with school and Jihyo that he hasn’t really taken the time to see his friend and the fact that he wasn’t showing up to their gatherings should have been enough of a clue that something was up. 

He considers asking him how he is but he knows Hanbin, and he knows he won’t spill his beans here where anyone could hear and makes a mental note to go see him later, in private. Maybe he’ll bring a blunt and they’ll have a few deep talks about what’s been going on in their lives. Hanbin’s told him he prefers to talk while high, that his anxiety prevents him from actually saying what he feels but that weed calms that feeling, if only a little.

“What’d did I miss after I left on Friday?” Bobby asks before taking a bite of his sandwich.

“Yunhyeong passed out in my shower.” Donghyuk laughs and Yunhyeong looks at him in betrayal.

“You said you wouldn’t tell anyone about that!”

“Seems like you had fun at least.” Hanbin says, and the smile on his face looks so obviously forced.

“Did you?” Bobby asks and Hanbin only glances at him before looking away and shrugging.

So he definitely needs to talk to Hanbin in private. Something’s going on and he’s pretty sure he’s part of it, he doesn’t want to presume it’s all his fault but he needs to do something to fix whatever _that_ was. 

“What about you?” Chanwoo asks, looking up from his phone, smirking “You and Jihyo left pretty early.”

“We had fun.” he winks at Chanwoo and he hears Jinhwan scoff next to him, “We’re official now too.”

“Really?” Yunhyeong sounds apprehensive for some reason and Bobby sighs, what is it about his friends and his damn relationship? 

“Really.” he confirms and Yunhyeong nods, and takes a bite.

“I need to go.” Hanbin says suddenly, and when he stands his chair would have fallen over if it hadn’t been for Junhoe grabbing it, “Sorry, I need to go.”

He looks paler than before and he hastily grabs his bag, practically sprinting out of the cafeteria. Yunhyeong moves to stand but Junhoe grabs his shoulder to get him to stay and shakes his head. It looks like they’re having a conversation in their minds and Bobby feels more confused than he’s ever felt.

“I’ll go check on him.” Junhoe says and shoulders his bag before grabbing his trash and the book Hanbin forgot.

“I’ll come-” he starts but Junhoe just sends him a sharp glare and the words get stuck in his throat.

“Don’t worry, I’ll make sure he’s okay.” the words are supposed to be comforting but it sounds more like a accusation with the was Junhoe’s speaking.

* * *

Bobby meets up with Jihyo after class they head over to the small cafe on campus. The food and drinks there aren’t great but they give a discount to students and after the long winded lecture they just had they need some sustenance. They choose to eat their meals outside even though it’s getting chilly out as autumn is in full spring, there’s a weird smell inside the cafe that Bobby doesn’t dare wonder about its origin.

They sip on their warm soup and watch the people passing by. It’s comfortable and Bobby wants to strike up a conversation but his mind keeps going back to what had happened at lunch. He’s worried about Hanbin and incredibly confused by the way the others are acting. At the very least Chanwoo and Donghyuk seem to be just as confused as him but it doesn’t make him feel much better.

“Hey, isn’t that your friend?” Jihyo asks and he follows her gaze towards the entrance to the library, “Jinhwan, right?”

“Yeah.” he nods and he waves at the older man when he passes, “Hey hyung!”

“Hey.” Jinhwan walks up to them and smiles even though it doesn’t look genuine at all, “You’re Jihyo, right? I don’t think we’ve properly met. I’m Jinhwan.”

Jihyo holds out her hand and smiles brightly when Jinhwan takes it, if somewhat reluctantly, “It’s nice to meet you, Bobby’s told me about you.”

“All good things, I hope.” he says cheekily but to Bobby his voice just sounds off, “I’m sorry I can’t stay and chat, I need to go home and make sure Chanwoo hasn’t set our apartment on fire.”

“Valid.” Jihyo says and smirks.

“You two have a good date.” Jinhwan mumbles and pulls his coat tighter around himself as the wind picks up slightly, “See you.”

“Bye.” Bobby says with a sigh as Jinhwan walks away, a feeling of disappointment in his chest.

“He doesn’t seem to like me very much.” Jihyo mumbles and Bobby looks at her, surprised that she managed to pick up on Jinhwan’s weird behavior. 

“Sorry, I don’t know why he’s like that.” he pouts and grabs her hand in his before smiling, “But that’s not important though, because I like you.”   
She snorts at that and Bobby cackles loudly when she hides her face in her hands. He can see her shoulders shaking slightly and her eyes are crinkled in a smile, he’s glad his cheesiness managed to wipe that insecure look off her face. 

They continue eating in silence and Bobby’s thoughts drift once again. It wasn’t the first time the guys had acted this way and he realises that it happened each time he brought up a potential date or partner. Maybe they thought he was just not good enough to be in a relationship. He can’t really blame them for that, he knows he’s not a great person; that he can be selfish at times and that he’s terrible at reading social situations. But he thinks he’s improved in the time that he’s known them, maybe it’s not enough though. 

Of course it’s not. He’s obviously messed something up with Hanbin and the others seem more aware of what it is he’s done than he does himself. He really is a horrible friend. He should have gone to check up on Hanbin as soon as he got out of class but here he is, being selfish.

“What’s up with you.” Jihyo asks and Bobby snaps out of his thoughts.

“Nothing.” Bobby smiles but she only raises a brow in challenge, clearly not believing him, “Fine,” he sighs, “I’m worried about Hanbin.”

“Why?” 

“Something’s going on with him and it’s my fault.” Bobby stares down at his empty bowl, “Not sure what I did exactly but he’s in a bad place because of me. I haven’t really hung out with him in a while.”

“Are you sure it’s your fault?” Jihyo asks and she holds out her hand for him to grab and he latches on quickly, needing some sort of comfort, “Maybe he’s just got a lot going on with classes?”

“No, there’s more to it. He’s got anxiety and depression and if I’ve done something wrong it’s probably made it worse. And last semester his meds stopped working and maybe that’s what’s happening now and I haven’t been there for him. I mean it got really ba-”

“Stop.” Jihyo cuts off his rambling and he looks up in surprise.

“What?”

“Look, I’m glad you wanna talk to me about this but I seriously doubt Hanbin would want me to know. He doesn’t know me and that sounds really private.” Jihyo looks apologetic and Bobby feels shame bloom in his chest, because she’s absolutely right, “But go check on him, we can do this some other time.”

“You sure?” he doesn’t mean to sound so hopeful but he still does.

“Yes!” she exclaims as if he just asked her the most stupid question she’s ever heard, “Go check on your friend.”

“Thank you, Jihyo.” he stands and leans over to press a kiss against her cheek, smirking when they tint a delightful pink that he knows isn’t just from the chilly air.

* * *

Hanbin doesn’t live far from campus so he makes it to his complex rather quickly. He has to stop for a minute as he makes his way up the staircase, it had been such a sudden decision that he isn’t sure what he’s even going to say. He knows what he needs to ask but for some reason he feels nervous now. It had been so long since it had just been him and Hanbin, he can’t believe he had let them drift like this. 

With a deep breath he continues up the stairs with a sense of determination. He has to fix this. Hanbin is one of his best friends, if not _the_ best friend he has, and he can’t lose him. He won’t.

He knocks on the door and frowns when he notices his hand is shaking slightly, he didn’t think he was this nervous. He hears the click of the lock and he tucks his hand in the pocket of his hoodie so Hanbin won’t see it but when the door opens it’s not Hanbin on the other side.

“Junhoe?” he says, confusion evident in his voice, “What are you doing here?”

“Hanbin’s sick.” Junhoe says as if that explains everything.

It’s not that he thinks it’s all that weird that Junhoe’s here taking care of him but he hadn’t realised how close the two were. He supposes it’s another one of his major faults, obliviousness, another reason why he’s such a bad friend.

“Can I come in?” he takes a step forward but Junhoe leans against the doorframe, blocking his entrance.

“He’s sleeping.” 

“I can wait, I just want to make sure he’s okay.” 

“I think you’ve done enough.” Junhoe says, tone disturbingly cold as he backs away slightly.

“What’s that supposed to-” Junhoe closes the door in his face, “...mean?”

_What the fuck was that?_


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Of course the worst chapter so far would be the longest (not by much but still) lol

Hanbin is pretending to be asleep when he hears the knock on his door. He’s not sure why Junhoe’s still there but he’s grateful for it when he hears him pad over to the door, he doesn’t have the energy to do it himself. He had managed to keep himself pretty composed until he reached his room and even though he hadn’t wanted to breakdown in front of Junhoe, he still had. 

He nearly worked himself up to a panic attack but Junhoe had managed to calm him down, not fully, but at least to the point where he wasn’t choking on his breath thinking he was going to die. The younger man hadn’t said anything when he cried, he’d just held him as if he knew that was exactly what he had needed. He had led him to the bathroom when his sobs made him gag and he’d rubbed his back as he heaved into the toilet. 

And when his legs felt too weak to let him get up he’d simply carried him to his bed and tucked him in with the promise of being there if he needed anything. Hanbin wished he had thanked him but his throat had still felt too raw and he was afraid that if he spoke it would only be another sob escaping.

“-wait, I just want to make sure he’s okay.” Jiwon’s voice filtered in and Hanbin bit his lip to keep himself from making any noise.

“I think you’ve done enough.” Junhoe’s voice sounded so much colder than when he’d spoken to him and Hanbin couldn’t help but feel guilty for being the reason the younger spoke to his best friend that way.

“What’s that supposed to-” Jiwon’s voice cut of by the sound of the door closing and he could make out Junhoe sighing deeply after.

Hanbin keeps his eyes closed even though he can hear Junhoe steps coming closer and he only opens them when he feels the bed dip as the younger sits down. Junhoe only spares him a glance before flinging his legs up on the bed and scooting back until his back hits the wall. Hanbin watches him run a hand through his hair and he can practically feel the frustration rolling of him in waves.

“You shouldn’t be mad at him.” Hanbin whispers and Junhoe looks down at him and there was a flicker of regret in his eyes before the frustration comes back.

“He’s being an asshole.” he grumbles and Hanbin feels warmth bloom in his chest despite the guilt in his heart.

“He doesn’t even know.” he says, making Junhoe roll his eyes.

“Well, he should.”

“You can’t-” the anxiety from before spikes and his breath catches slightly in his throat, “You can’t tell him.”

“That’s not-” Junhoe places a hand on Hanbin’s shoulder and the simple touche helps calm him down, “I wasn’t going to. I just meant that he should have realised by now.”

“Maybe so.” he sighs.

“He’s so fucking dumb.” Junhoe mumbles, leaning his head back heavily and Hanbin winces slightly because it sounded like it hurt, “In more ways than one.”

He wants to ask what he means by that but for some reason he can’t bring himself to, he thinks he might not like the answer. Instead, he inches himself closer to Junhoe and slings an arm over his hips and the younger lets out a breath of a laugh before sliding down to lay beside him and wrapping his own arm around Hanbin. They’re staring at each other and Hanbin tries to convey what he wants to say with his eyes but he can’t be sure Junhoe understands. They’re close right now but there’s still a distance between them.

“Thank you Junhoe.” he murmurs and Junhoe’s eyes crinkle into a smile.

“There’s no need.”

That distance seems to become smaller.

* * *

He needs to get his shit together. Hanbin realises that at 4 AM on a Thursday and wow, isn’t that just ironic. He’s spent the past weeks agonizing over Jiwon and his new relationship but he doesn’t really have a right to, now does he? He dug himself into this hole of self deprecation and he’s even dragged the others down with him. 

Yunhyeong, he had expected, he knew he would always have him on his side, no matter how undeserving Hanbin was of his care and support. Junhoe, however, was a surprise. The younger was closer to Jiwon but he had still slammed the door in his face. Hanbin hadn’t really realised how much that meant, not just to him, but how much it must have meant to Jiwon. 

It must have fucking hurt. To not understand what was going on and to be dismissed so abruptly when from Jiwon’s point of view; he was just wanting to check up on a friend who was sick. Hanbin needs to get his shit together so that everything can go back to normal. Hanbin needs to get over this fucking crush. 

Only, it’s more than that. He’s _in love_ with Jiwon and it won’t go away even if he wants it to. He can fake it though. He is good at hiding stuff, it’s only that he never really felt like he had to with the guys, they’re so supportive and so there was really no point in it, especially since the only one he doesn’t want to find out is too blind to see what’s right in front of him. 

So at 04.23 AM on a Thursday Hanbin pushes himself out of bed and starts cleaning his room. He saves the dishes and vacuuming for later and settles for putting his stuff in order. He waters his plant too - he named it Nico for some reason - even though he isn’t sure if it will even save it because he’s been a terrible father lately. But at least he’s trying and that's more than what some others do. 

He doesn't have much space in his dorm and he’s grateful for it because he’s already exhausted but feeling a bit satisfied at the order in the room. If Yunhyeong comes over for a visit he’ll surely be happy to see it and he hopes it will make the older believe he’s getting better. That he’s dealing with whatever emotions are running through him that day. 

He can feel his ears getting warm at the next thing he does and he’s not sure how the others will react when he tells them about it but he figures he needs to sell it for them to believe he’s moving on. So he signs up to grindr and he knows he’s incredibly red in the face as he scrolls through the app while watching videos on hook-up and dating advice. 

_What has his life come to?_

* * *

He realises a pretty major flaw in his plan of convincing the others that he’s fine when he gets to class; he’s fucking exhausted. Since signing up to the app his phone hadn’t stopped vibrating at each new notification and he had been genuinely surprised at the amount of messages he was sent, a little bit flattered too but he still didn’t get any sleep because of it. He’s already dreading lunch because he promised he’d be there but he looks and feels awful. The guy next to him keeps nudging him to make him pay attention but his body always feels sore when he hasn’t slept properly and now all he can focus on is the aches of his body. 

When the professor gives them a break he pushes his way past everyone to get to the vending machine to get himself a redbull or two. By the time it’s lunch his hands are trembling and he clenches his fists in his hoodie’s pocket to hide it and hopes that they’ll still by the time the others arrive.

His phone is still vibrating in his pocket and he wishes he knew how to turn off the notifications but he also kind of likes the feeling that accompanies the annoyance. It means that someone wants him and at this point it doesn’t really matter that it’s probably just some horny guy on the other end. He desperately wants to be wanted. 

He busies himself by unwrapping his sandwich and he scrunches up his nose when he feels how stale the bread is. The cafeteria food isn’t great but he doesn’t really have the energy to cook for himself so he figures he only has himself to blame. His mind is already spiraling into self deprecating thoughts and he thanks whatever is up there that Yunhyeong and Donghyuk walk through the entrance to the cafeteria then. 

His head tilts a little bit when he notices they’re holding hands and he realises pretty quickly what’s going on when they let go of each other the second they see him. They smile brightly as they come closer but Hanbin can only focus on the way their ears are a little pink. How could he not have known about this?

Because they didn’t want him to, he concludes as they sit down and the smile on his face is hard to force for a new reason this time. He can’t help but feel a little betrayed but he knows they didn’t tell him in a misguided attempt at not hurting him, at not rubbing it in his face. The fact makes him feel weak but he forces it down to deal with it at another time.

“Someone fell asleep in my class and he fell off his chair.” Donghyuk says with a chuckle, “My professor looked like he was having a stroke trying not to laugh while scolding him, it was fucking hilarious!” 

“That sounds like something I would do.” Hanbin shrugs and Donghyuk practically screeches with laughter and the fond look on Yunhyeong’s face makes Hanbin feel incredibly stupid for not noticing it earlier, “By the way, how long have you two been together?”

Donghyuk chokes on his laughter and Yunhyeong’s mouth opens and closes as he tries to find the words and the sight is funny enough that Hanbin can forget all his feelings of inadequacy for a few seconds. 

“We- we’re not-” Yunhyeong fumbles and Hanbin laughs because the older really doesn’t know how to lie.

“Just tell me, I won’t be mad.” because he honestly isn’t, he gets it, even if it hurts.

“Just over a month.” Donghyuk says, a shy smile on his lips.

“I’m happy for you. You didn’t have to hide it you know?” he smiles because it doesn’t have to be hard, love shouldn’t be hard.

“I just thought, well, you know.” Yunhyeong says apologetically and Hanbin nods because he does. 

Junhoe and Chanwoo stroll through the entrance and Hanbin waves them over and shortly after they’re seated Jiwon and Jinhwan join them. It’s nice and Hanbin sees the looks Jinhwan and Yunhyeong share, feeling ridiculously satisfied that they don’t seem worried for once. His phone vibrates again and Hanbin pulls it out under the table to turn it off as it’s getting too distracting but he nearly chokes on his sandwich when he sees the that’s message displayed.

_From Kwangsoo:  
top or bottom?_

He’s so stunned he doesn’t even notice Chanwoo reaching out for his phone and before he can react he’s holding it over the table to show Donghyuk and the two end up dissolving into giggling like little school girls.

“What’s so funny?” Jinhwan says dryly but his eyes are crinkled slightly in interest.

“Hanbinnie’s looking to get laid.” Chanwoo laughs and turns the phone to show the others, “What do you guys think, is he a top or a bottom?”

“He’s obviously a bottom.” Junhoe shrugs and glances between Jiwon and him.

“I could be a top!” he exclaims before realising he’s in public and looks around to see if anyone heard him but fortunately no one seems to be paying attention.

“No.” Jiwon says and Hanbin feels his face heat up as the others laugh, “Why are you on grindr anyways?”

“Why do you think?” he can’t help but get defensive, the tone of Jiwon’s voice feeling too judgemental for him not to.

“You should find someone in real life, it’s weird meeting people through an app.” Jiwon says with a shrug and a roll of his eyes, “Besides, they could just be creeps pretending to be normal people.”

“Hey, there’s nothing wrong with using apps.” Yunhyeong defends, because of course he does, “There are plenty of people who find their partners through them.”

“Yeah, yeah.” Jiwon raises his arms in surrender and locks eyes with Hanbin, “Just be careful, alright?”

“Yeah.” Hanbin mutters and snatches his phone back from Chanwoo and the kid at least has the decency to look a little apologetic. 

“Anyways,” Jinhwan says and claps his hands, “party on Saturday, you’ll all be there.”

It’s not even a question and Hanbin just shrugs, nothing could be worse than last time anyways.

* * *

Junhoe comes over with edibles the next day and Hanbin doesn’t even feel embarrassed over the fact that he’s fucking sexting next to him. He doesn’t really care about the conversation but he’s realized in the past day that it's fun to mess with guys online, just watching as the messages become shorter and shorter as his words alone draw them closer to cumming. And maybe he does feel a little hot and bothered at the idea of the power he has.

“He really thinks that’s sexy?” Junhoe says and Hanbin startles slightly, not having noticed he was reading the messages, “Seriously? ‘You’re straddling me, kissing my neck as I squeeze your ass’. Is that hot to him?”

Hanbin shrugs and sends a quick message before turning his face to Junhoe and their noses graze each other. Junhoe’s eyes are really pretty and he can’t help but smirk because the younger looks so confused.

“Why is it so hard to believe?” he doesn’t know what’s gotten into him but he lowers his head and kisses Junhoe’s neck before mumbling against the skin, “Isn’t this kinda hot?”

“Not really.” Junhoe pulls away and Hanbin feels a lump form in his stomach at the almost disgusted look on his face.

“Sorry I shouldn’t-” he stumbles over his words, “I should have known you wouldn’t want that, wouldn’t want me.”

“Hanbin it’s not like that.” Junhoe sighs.

“No it’s fine. Of course you wouldn’t, I’m sorry.”

“No Hanbin it’s really not like that. You’re really attractive and all but I’m just not into that.” Junhoe says, voice shaking and Hanbin can’t quite understand it.

“Guys, you mean.” he sighs and tries to smile.

“Not exactly.” Junhoe mumbles and Hanbin tilts his head in question because now he looks nervous, almost scared, “I’m not really into anything.”

“What?” 

“I uh- I’m asexual.” Junhoe looks down and Hanbin recognizes it instantly, it’s _shame._

“Okay.” he says and reaches a hand out to place a finger under the younger’s chin, tilting his head up so that they lock eyes, “That’s okay Junhoe.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, I’m sorry I made you uncomfortable. I shouldn’t have done that.” he says and then he realises how much he’s clung to Junhoe lately and he’s so so sorry, “Oh my god! I’ve been all over you, you must have been so uncomfortable. Why didn’t you say anything? I’m so sorry June-ah.”

“It’s fine.” Junhoe is smiling now and it doesn’t look like a lie, “I quite like cuddling actually.”

Hanbin has to restrain himself from pinching his cheeks because Junhoe looks so shy but he’s not exactly strong so he flings himself at him, pulling him down so they’re lying down awkwardly on the bed. If Junhoe likes cuddles then he’ll definitely take advantage of it and he smiles in victory when Junhoe moves so they can lay more comfortably wrapped in each other’s arms, the tense atmosphere from before completely gone. 

“Have you told anyone else?” Hanbin asks after a while, curiosity getting the better of him.

“My girlfriend in highschool.” Junhoe says and Hanbin frowns as he watches him close his eyes, as if reliving a memory, “She called me a freak and told everyone at school I was a fag. I had to change schools and I learnt my lesson.”

“I’m sorry that happened to you.” Hanbin murmurs and runs a hand up and down his arm in hopes that the motion is comforting

“Eh,” he shrugs, “I’m over it.”

“Is that why you’re trembling?” Junhoe goes stiff and Hanbin mentally slaps himself, “Sorry.”

“It’s fine.” Junhoe mumbles and Hanbin feels him relax a bit.

“Thank you for telling me June-ah, I’m really proud of you.” Hanbin says softly and smiles when Junhoe just nods in response, he hopes it means he believes him, because he’s telling the truth. He knows just how hard it is to come out and he’s glad Junhoe confided in him.

* * *

Junhoe, Chanwoo and Hanbin started drinking before going to the party because the younger ones wanted to and because Hanbin needed to. He’s not ashamed to admit it, liquid courage is his best friend even though it often ends with bad decisions and always ends with a headache, he never said it’s a good friendship. But it’s the only thing that will get him to the party and if he wants the others to believe he’s getting better he has to be there.

The music isn’t too loud this time but there’s a lot of people and he feels like he’s in a room of packed sardines. The smell of alcohol and sweat is disgusting but Yunhyeong gives him a drink and he manages to forget about it as he takes a sip and watches Donghyuk, Jiwon and some other dude start a chugging contest. He cheers Junhoe on loudly and he catches Jiwon’s eyes for a second and for a second it looks like he’s hurt but it’s quickly replaced by a look of determination and he beats Junhoe by a second as the other guy chokes on the beer and spills half of it over himself. 

The next few hours are a blur of screaming masked as conversations and drinking game after drinking game. All in all, it’s fun and when a guy he vaguely recognizes strolls over to him he’s too buzzed to even wonder what that jock is doing walking towards him. Some people have left but there’s still quite a lot of people around and Hanin figures that’s why the taller man comes to stand so close.

“Hanbin, right?” he says over the music and grins when Hanbin nods, “I’m Minsoo, I’m in engineering.”

“Literature.” Hanbin offers and Minsso nods, bottom lip pouting out as if impressed, “Who do you know here?”

“No one really,” Minsoo shrugs, “heard there’d be a party and there’s a rumour Jinhwan throws the best parties so I figured; why not?”

“True.” Hanbin nods and sways a little when the song changes, enjoying the rhythm discreetly.

“I have a question though.” Minsoo says and Hanbin nods for him to continue, “Why’d you never respond to my message?”

“You sent me a message?” Minsoo nods and grins, “When?”

“A couple days ago, on grindr.” Minsoo takes a step closer and Hanbin glances around and sees Donghyuk watching him and he can’t help but chuckle when the younger excitedly holds up his thumbs in encouragement. So Hanbin figures; why not?

“I must have missed it, I never would have intentionally ignored you.” he places a hand on Minsoo’s arm and he’s pretty sure he hears a ‘whoop’ from Donghyuk, “What did you say in the message?”

“I just said how hot I think you are,” Minsoo leans close to whisper in his ear Hanbin doesn’t even have to pretend to shiver, the guy is hot okay, “and how good you’d look spread out on my bed.”

Hanbin jerks back slightly at how straight forward he is and laughs uncomfortably, not quite sure how to respond. But before he gets the chance to someone is pulling him back by his arm and his line of sight is blocked by a larger frame and then he recognizes those curls, _Jiwon._

“Back off dude.” Jiwon practically growls, “He’s not interested.” 

“And how do you know that?” Minsoo shoots back and Hanbin steps around Jiwon to look between the two, “Are you his boyfriend or something?”

“No, but I’m his best friend,” Jiwon says and blindly reaches out to grab Hanbin’s wrist, and the spark is still there, at least for Hanbin, “and I know what’s good for him. It’s definitely not you.”

Minsoo looks like he’s about to argue and Hanbin can already picture a fight breaking out but to his surprise Minsoo just rolls his eyes and walks away, throwing a “Whatever.” over his shoulder.

“What the fuck was that?” Hanbin hisses and rounds on Jiwon to look at him.

“Come on Bin, you wouldn't have gone home with him anyways.” Jiwon rolls his eyes and Hanbin feels his anger spike. Who does Jiwon think he is? Some kind of white knight protecting him? It doesn’t help that Jiwon’s right but Hanbin just wanted to have some fun for the first time in too long. 

“And how do you know that?”

“I know what he’s like.” Jiwon says with a groan and places a hand on his shoulder as if placating a child, “That guy fucks every slut he sees. You shouldn-”

“You are such an asshole!” Hanbin can’t believe what he’s hearing, first Jiwon judged him for downloading grindr and now he’s calling him a fucking slut, he harshly pushes Jiwon’s hand off his shoulder, “Fuck you _Bobby._”

“Bin, wait!” Jiwon calls out but Hanbin’s already walking away and just to be petty he raises his arm and gives him the finger, not even glancing back to catch the reaction.


	6. Chapter 6

He messed up. He messed up again and now Hanbin is leaving. With each step he takes away from him it feels like he’s taking his air with him because Bobby feels like he can’t breathe. He knows music and chatter is all around him but it's muffled by the pounding in his ears. He doesn't know what's going on but he knows it's scary and so he closes his eyes. 

It doesn't help. 

And then someone is gripping his arm and his eyes snap open to see Yunhyeong in front of him with a worried expression. The grip feels too tight and Bobby can see his lips moving but he can't make the muffled words out because he still can't fucking breathe. Yunhyeong seems to realise it and he pulls him along and it feels like it takes an eternity and a second all at once until he finds himself pushed down on a bed with the older kneeling on the floor in front of him. 

He can see that the door is closed and the pounding in his ears calms down enough that he can hear what Yunhyeong is saying.

"-ust breathe with me alright." he says and takes a large breath and holds it in for a few seconds. 

Bobby mirrors him and after a few repeats he can feel himself calm down. Everything is becoming clear again and he's distinctly aware of the fact that his cheeks are a little bit wet. Yunhyeong rises up from the floor to sit down on the bed next to him, a hand coming up to rest on his shoulder and it feels heavier than it should.

“Wh- what happened?” he asks weakly, glancing over at the older before looking away quickly and wiping at his face to get rid of the wetness. 

“I think you had a panic attack.” Yunhyeong says softly, the hand on his shoulder squeezing a tiny bit tighter but even that feels like it’s too much.

A panic attack?

Was this how Hanbin felt all those times Bobby found him struggling to breathe? When Bobby would hold him tight until he calmed down but tiny sobs still shook his chest. Yunhyeong’s grip is gentle, he knows it is, but it still feels uncomfortable and Bobby doesn’t understand how Hanbin could let him clutch him to his chest in an attempt at comfort when he felt like this. 

"You alright?" Yunhyeong asks and Bobby just rests his elbows on his knees and lowers his head into his hands, Yunhyeong squeezes his shoulder again.

"Can you let go?" his voice shakes and Yunhyeong immediately lets go. 

"What caused that?" Yunhyeong asks and Bobby really doesn't want to think about it, "Bob, come on, you gotta talk to me. I've never seen you that upset before."

"Hanbin hates me." he admits it and it feels like someone's stabbed him in the chest because _fuck,_ it hurts, and his chest is constricting again, "I messed up. I keep fucking up and now you'll all hate me too and everything is jus-"

"Hey, calm down." Yunhyeong says and his hand burns when it comes to rest on his shoulder and he can't help but flinch and then the touch is gone again. But Yunhyeong isn't because he continues speaking, calm and comforting as always, "He doesn't hate you and neither do the rest of us."

"Doesn't feel like it." he isn't even sure if it’s him being upset or the alcohol in his system that makes him say it.

"What do you mean?" 

"It doesn't matter," Bobby raises his head and forces on a smile, "I'm sorry, thank you hyung, for helping me."

"Bobby-" he can tell Yunhyeong doesn't want to drop it but he feels exhausted and he doesn't want to say more things he'll regret tonight.

"I'm gonna head home." he says and stands up, ignoring the way his legs feel like jello, "Thanks again hyung."

* * *

Bobby didn't know what was wrong with him. He'd thought he'd gotten so upset only because he was drunk but in the following week he found himself terrified of seeing the others. He knew he needed to apologise to Hanbin because he'd majorly fucked up but he just needed to get him alone and lately Junhoe constantly seemed to be around him. 

Well, he couldn't exactly be sure of that with how much time he'd spent away from the others but he could assume. He felt bad too, because he didn't really like the two of them hanging out together. He was supposed to be their best friend and he should be happy that they were getting closer because they were both amazing people and he always knew they'd fit together. But he can't help but feel like they’re replacing him.

Maybe they’d be right to do it. 

He rolls his eyes at himself. He’s being melodramatic and self deprecating to a whole new level but still not doing anything to fix it. He’s a bad friend and he needs to do better. He needs to be a better boyfriend too, he realises, he hasn’t talked to Jihyo in over a week and it’s only two of those days that could be excused because she’d been home with her family for her parents anniversary. 

One thing at a time though. He’ll see Jihyo in class in the morning so he pulls out his phone and takes a deep breath before sending a message.

_To Hanbin-ah:  
Can I come over?_

Bobby thinks he might not get a response but after a couple minutes his phone vibrates and lights up in his hand.

_From Hanbin-ah:  
Why?_

It feels cold even though it’s not that different from how Hanbin usually texts. The younger had never really managed to figure out emojis and it annoys the others but Bobby finds it endearing. But this time it just hurts. 

_To Hanbin-ah:_  
I need to apologize  
Please 

A few more minutes pass before the phone lights up again.

_From Hanbin-ah:  
Whatever._

He bites the inside of his cheek and reminds himself that this is what he deserves. It’s not exactly a yes but it’s not a no either so Bobby pulls himself out of bed and considers making himself a bit more presentable but he can’t find it in himself to be bothered. He just wants to see Hanbin, he wants to fix this. 

Fortunately he doesn’t live far from Hanbin and it only takes him a fifteen minute walk until he’s stood outside his door. He doesn’t even think about it when he knocks on the door and it’s only when he hears the click of the lock that he realises he doesn’t even know what to say. 

“Hey.” Hanbin says, arms folded in front of him and hair in an unruly mess on his head.

“I’m sorry.” Bobby blurts out and Hanbin just raises his brows, a silent prompt for him to go on, “For what I said at the party and for judging you for using grindr and for being a horrible friend. You don’t deserve that and I am so so sorry.”

Hanbin sighs but Bobby can already see he’s starting to forgive and even though that’s exactly what he wants it just feels undeserved. Hanbin is too good of a person, too kind to everyone but himself.

“You don’t have to forgive me.” he says before Hanbin can say that he has, “I don’t deserve it. Not yet at least. I’ll make it up to you.”

The corner of Hanbin’s lips tug upwards slightly, “And how are you going to do that?”

“Well-” Bobby smiles sheepishly, he really hasn’t thought this through, “I don’t know exactly. Maybe you have a suggestion?”

“Do my dishes for me.” Hanbin says simply and turns around, walking into his room and Bobby hurries to follow, “And clean my drain.”

Bobby scrunches his nose in disgust but takes the dishes on Hanbin’s desk and heads to the communal kitchen, smiling slightly when he hears Hanbin’s footsteps behind him. He really has missed him and he knows Hanbin’s missed him too. 

He slings his jacket over one of the chairs and pulls up his sleeves and sets to work washing the dishes. It’s not a lot so it goes quickly and after he places the final plate on the drying rack he turns around and waves his hands as if to say ‘tadaa!’. He beams when Hanbin snorts at his ridiculousness and it feels like old times.

“Now-” Hanbin schools his expression, “my drain.”

Bobby almost protests but then he remembers the hurt look on Hanbin’s face and his retreating back and he nods.

“Of course.”

It’s gross, pulling hair out of the drain, but at least Hanbin gave him some gloves and when he’s finished he half expects Hanbin to throw another task at him or maybe just throw him out. But instead Hanbin just pats the bed beside where he’s resting with his computer in his lap. 

“Wanna watch a movie?” he asks and Bobby smiles, nodding and throwing himself down on the bed, making it bounce slightly.

“What do you wanna watch?”

* * *

Hanbin never actually said he’s forgiven him but Bobby still feels lighter that evening. He hadn’t realised just how much he had missed Hanbin until the younger had rested his head on his shoulder and started playing with his fingers. It was such a small thing but it made Bobby feel safe and calm. He still needed to be a better friend so he asked Hanbin if they could hang out more, just the two of them, and he had agreed with a hesitant smile. 

He’s dozing off on his bed when he hears a knock at his door and he pads out of bed with a quick glance at his clock, 09.34 PM, and he’s surprised to see Jihyo on the other side when he opens the door. Her hair is in a messy bun and her cheeks are flushed slightly.

“Can I stay here tonight?” she grins and Bobby nods even though he feels incredibly confused.

“Sure.” he lets her in and grabs her bag for her, feeling it being heavier than usual, “Have you packed an overnight bag?”

“Maybe. I’ve missed you and I just thought-” she shrugs out of her jacket and her grin seems to get a bit uncertain, “Is that okay? Just showing up like this? Maybe I shouldn’t have-”

She reaches for her bag as if she wants to take it back and Bobby laughs as he holds it over his head so she can’t reach it. She ends up impossibly close and her brows are furrowed and bottom lip protruded into a pout. She looks exactly like Hanbin does when he teases him and for some reason that makes him laugh even more, practically doubling over.

“What’s so funny?” she scoffs.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry. It’s just-” he stands and hands her bag back, stifling his chuckles, “you looked exactly like Hanbin-ah when he gets frustrated, it’s really cute.”

“So you think Hanbin’s cute, do you?” she asks and Bobby falters, that’s not what he was saying at all.

Needless to say, he lets her stay the night. They fall asleep in the middle of conversation wrapped in each others arms and Bobby begins to feel like things are getting better. He still needs to make it up to Hanbin with how badly he’s treated him and he needs to meet up with the guys, especially Yunhyeong. The older was probably worried about him after the night at the party but Bobby was too embarrassed, having given too much away. 

The opportunity presents itself sooner than expected when he runs into Yunhyeong during the lecture break by the vending machines. The older buys him his snacks and Bobby hopes it means he isn’t upset about the ignored messages on his phone. 

“You joining us for lunch today?” Yunhyeong asks, a cautious smile on his face, “You haven't been lately.”

“I uh- I already promised Jihyo and you guys don’t seem to-” he cuts himself off but Yunhyeong already caught what he was about to say if the flash of regret in his eyes was anything to go by, “Tomorrow though.” he offers with a smile.

“Bring her.” Yunhyeong says quickly and it looks like he’s torn between taking the words back and sticking by it.

“You sure?”

“Yeah.” Yunhyeong nods with certainty he does not look like he has, “She’s your girlfriend, we should get to know her.”

“Okay.” 

Jihyo hasn’t properly met the guys yet. He knew she’s talked to some of them and he knew they were nice even though they didn’t seem to like the idea of him being in a relationship, so they wouldn’t take it out on her but he was still nervous. He knew he could be pretty stupid but even he had noticed the looks the guys sent when he talked about Jihyo so there was no doubt in his mind that she’d notice it too if they did the same today.

She seemed excited about it when he told her though and when they entered the cafeteria the guys happily waved them over and Bobby pulled her along, hoping she would interpret his quick steps as excitement rather than nervousness. He sat himself next to Hanbin and slung an arm around his shoulders and she sat down on his other side.

“So Jihyo,” he says, “This is Hanbinnie, he seems cold but he’s actually just super tired all the time.”

That earned him an elbow to the ribs and a giggle from Jihyo.

“We’ve already met,” Jinhwan says, sending Bobby a look as if daring him to introduce him himself, “and no I’m not _that_ old.”

“I wasn’t going to say anything.” Bobby holds up his free hand in a motion of surrender but he can’t quite hide his smirk.

“Yeah he’s already told me that.” Jihyo teases and Bobby looks at her in betrayal.

“I like her.” Donghyuk says with a chuckle before reaching over the table to shake her hand, “I’m not sure if we talked at the party, I was pretty wasted, but I’m Donghyuk.”

“I’m Junhoe.” the younger reaches over to shake her hand too. 

“Chanwoo.” Chanwoo offers and waves at Jihyo and she chuckles at the awkward gesture and waves back.

“And I’m Yunhyeong. Now that we got greetings out of the way, how was class?” Yunhyeong asks. 

Conversation flows freely after that and as Bobby walks hand in hand with Jihyo back to the dorms he feels satisfied. The guys had been nice and welcoming and Jihyo had fit in rather well. He did notice that Hanbin had seemed quiet though and kept trying to get his attention but the younger had simply shuffled closer to him, and he was pretty sure he fell asleep for a while on his shoulder. He must have not slept again. 

Jihyo suddenly pulls her hand out of his and he glances over as they walk to see her put her hands in her pockets and she seems smaller for some reason. She seems deep in thought and he can’t help but worry that he missed something again. He doesn’t want to treat her badly but he knows he probably has without realising, if his track record is anything to go by.

“Hey, you okay?” he asks softly.

“Yeah, I’m fine.” she smiles but Bobby’s heard those words enough times to know they mean the opposite.

“You sure?” he also knows he shouldn’t push it but he hopes she realises she can talk to him about what’s bothering her.

“I’m fine.” Jihyo insists, rolling her eyes, “Just a bit tired, your friends are a bit much.”

“Tell me about it.” he chuckles even though he knows she’s lying, or at least not telling the whole truth.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please read the updated tags!  
I’m really sorry about the long wait for this update that really doesn’t make it worth it

The best way of getting over someone is getting under someone else.

Hanbin isn’t entirely sure if that advice is really all that good but he’s lonely and Kwangsoo is hot, at least in his pictures, and he just wants to get over someone so bad that he decides to give it a shot. He doesn’t tell anyone about it, not because he feels all that ashamed of it but rather because he doesn’t want anyone to expect anything, good or bad. 

He sends a quick message when he’s outside and it only takes a couple minutes before the door opens and to Hanbin’s pleasant surprise Kwangsoo actually looks like his pictures. He’s taller and broader than Hanbin had expected though and when he wraps his arms around him in greeting he feels completely encased. 

It doesn’t feel nice though, not bad either, it’s just unexpected even though it probably shouldn’t be, they both know why he’s here, at the opposite site of campus where mostly post-graduates live. Kwangsoo leads him up the stairs, into his apartment and even though it’s tiny it’s much better than his own shitty dorm. 

“I didn’t really have time to clean properly.” Kwangsoo says sheepishly as he moves some books and his laptop off his bed, “I honestly wasn’t expecting you to say yes when I asked if you wanted to come over.”

“It’s fine.” Hanbin shrugs and walks over to the bookcase in the corner to look at what he has.

“It’s probably all trash in your opinion.” Kwangsoo’s suddenly right behind him and Hanbin startles, “You’re studying literature, right? All that pretentious stuff.”

“It’s not all pretentious.” Hanbin defends but he gets where the other man is coming from, “It’s just some of it that is.”

“I do have a few classics but to be honest I found them kind of boring.” Kwangsoo says, his breath right by Hanbin’s ear now and he has to take a step to the side to get away from it, “I guess a lot of it just goes over my head.”

“It’s not for everyone.” Hanbin smiles when he notices the little Harry Potter figurine hidden behind a frame and picks it up, “Why’d you hide this?”

“Oh.” Kwangsoo chuckles and when Hanbin turns to look at him his cheeks are a little pink, “It’s kinda embarrassing.” 

“Nah.” Hanbin shakes his head and places it on the top shelf, clearly displayed in all its adorable glory.

Kwangsoo grabs his hand then and pulls him over to the bed so they can sit down. It suddenly feels much more intimate and it finally really dawns on Hanbin what he’s doing here and he has to look down as he feels his face heat up. He clenches his fists in his lap when Kwangsoo grabs his face gently, turning it so that they’re looking at each other.

“You look much better in person than in your pictures.” he murmurs as he pushes a stray hair back, “It’s not often that happens.” he adds with a smirk.

“You too.” Hanbin says awkwardly and grabs the hand on his face, not quite sure if he should push it away or hold it tight.

Kwangsoo seems to take it as a signal and leans forward to press their lips together and Hanbin instantly kisses him back. It’s nice. To be close to someone like this again. But then the hand on his neck, right under his jaw, trails down to caress his chest and the one on his waist wanders down to sneak its way under his shirt and Hanbin gasps. Not because he likes the sensation, no, its because it’s moving too fast. He leans back, disconnecting their lips but Kwangsoo simply uses Hanbin’s unsteadiness to push him back so they’re laying down. 

Kwangsoo doesn’t waste a second, slinging his leg over Hanbin’s hip. He leans down, pressing wet lips against his and his tongue pokes out to try and find its way inside his mouth and it makes Hanbin feel sick. He turns his head to the side and he doesn’t understand how Kwangsoo doesn’t understand that he doesn’t want this. He’s tense beneath him and his hands are weakly pushing at his chest but it only seems to spurr the larger man on, his breath coming in hot pants as he mouths at Hanbin’s neck and grinds down on him.

_Stop._

He doesn’t know why he can’t just say it. 

Maybe it’s because he’s never had to before. Jiwon always knew when to stop. But this isn’t Jiwon and that’s exactly what’s wrong. He doesn’t want this, he doesn’t want Kwangsoo. He doesn’t know him at all and there’s nothing about him that feels safe. He wants to feel safe. He wants Jiwon. 

“No.” he manages to croak out and Kwangsoo finally pulls away, but only slightly and he’s still too close, “Stop touching me.”

“What?” his voice is rough and his breathing is still slightly laborated.

“I don’t want this.” he says, because Jiwon isn’t here so he needs to make himself safe, “Get off.”

Kwangsoo sits up then, still straddling Hanbin but at least his face isn’t so close.

“Then why the hell did you come here?” Kwangsoo looks angry and Hanbin tries to crawl out from under him but his breathing is already starting to speed up and he can’t quite get his limbs to cooperate, “You do know what grindr is for right?”

“I changed my mind.” he stutters out and Kwangsoo scoffs but gets off the bed and in turn Hanbin.

“Get out.” 

He doesn’t give Kwangsoo a chance to go back on his words and practically throws himself out of the bed and he barely remembers to put on his shoes and grab his coat before he’s out the door. His legs feel like jello and his hands shake but as fresh air hits his face he realises how lucky he was.

And how stupid. 

He considers going home but he doesn't want to be alone. That was the whole reason he was even in this situation in the first place. Yunhyeong is the first person he thinks of, heart still pounding and legs not quite working like they should, but then he imagines the older’s worried face and he doesn’t think he can handle that right now. He doesn’t think he’ll be able to ease that worry in his state.

Jiwon? No way. He had apologised about his comments before but Hanbin doesn’t think he had meant it. Well, he’s sure he’d meant the apology but he isn’t completely sure that Jiwon won’t look at him with eyes that tell him ‘I told you so’, and he can’t handle that either. Not now at least, probably not ever. 

He knows Junhoe lives close by and with him, Hanbin doesn’t have to worry too much. Junhoe doesn’t judge, he’s had plenty of opportunities to do so but he just doesn’t. It’s not that he doesn’t care, it’s simply just simply the way Junhoe is. And so Hanbin starts walking, fumbling as he tries to get his coat on but simply settles on throwing it over his shoulders. 

He’s not sure how much time passes but he eventually finds himself outside Junhoe’s building and when he presses the call button for his apartment he can’t help the anxiety that floods him. He isn’t even sure if the younger is home and even if he is, should he really be here? 

_“Hello?”_ Junhoe’s voice comes across the intercom and Hanbin almost cries in relief.

“Junhoe.” is all he can say, voice cracking in uncertainty.

_“Hanbin-hyung?”_ Junhoe sounds confused and Hanbin almost bolts, _“What are you doing he-- hang on, I’ll buzz you in.”_

The lock on the gate clicks and Hanbin’s almost embarrassed by how he practically throws himself forward to get it open before it locks again. But Junhoe unlocked it for him, didn’t turn him away despite the intrusion and with each step up the staircase he feels his anxiety ease. 

Junhoe’s stood in the doorway of his apartment when he gets to his floor and his eyebrows furrow in concern when they lock eyes. Hanbin realises he must look horrible but Junhoe still wraps his arms around him when they’re close enough.

“What happened?” he asks softly, one hand rubbing calming circles over Hanbin’s back but he can’t form any words and just shakes his head in response, “Let’s get you inside.” 

Junhoe takes a step back and unconsciously Hanbin’s hand clutches at the sleeve of his hoodie as he follows him inside. Junhoe doesn’t seem to mind though and with one hand grabs the coat of his shoulders and throws it down on the floor while Hanbin toes his shoes off. 

His legs feel wobbly when they walk further into the apartment and Junhoe must notice because he dislodges Hanbin’s grip and wraps an arm around his waist in support. They sit down on the bed together and for a moment Hanbin is back in Kwangsoo’s apartment, about to be pushed down on the bed, unable to say no. But then Junhoe pulls him closer to his side and he’s reminded that he’s safe.

“I met up with a guy from grindr.” he admits after a while and he feels Junhoe’s grip tighten, “I changed my mind but I couldn’t get the words out.”

“Did he-” Junhoe’s voice gets caught in his throat and Hanbin shakes his head.

“No, I managed to say no but I just-” he cuts off, feeling stupid for being so upset, “I don’t know, it just scared me. How hard it was to say it.”

“I get that.” Junhoe mumbles, grip easing slightly while simultaneously pulling him closer. 

“I feel so dumb,” Junhoe makes a noise protest but doesn’t interrupt, “I went there wanting it but then I just couldn’t and he got mad, what if he hadn’t gotten off of me? I was so stupid.”

“No, you’re allowed to change your mind.” Junhoe says, voice soft but firm at the same time, “You didn’t do anything wrong.”

Hanbin nods and scoots back on the bed to pull his legs up, wrapping his arms around them, suddenly feeling exhausted. Junhoe’s arm is still around him and Hanbin twists slightly so he can rest his head in the junction of the younger’s neck and shoulder as his legs press into his chest.

“You want to lie down?” Junhoe asks after a while, probably uncomfortable with the awkward way Hanbin’s pressed against him. 

“Yeah.” Hanbin mumbles but it still takes him some time to pull away and he’s glad Junhoe lets him. 

With some maneuvering they find themselves under Junhoe’s covers and Hanbin feels a bit bad for wearing his outdoor clothes in bed but Junhoe doesn’t seem to care as he pulls him close. His head is resting on the younger’s chest and the gentle rise and fall forces the rest of his anxiety to ebb away.

* * *

Hanbin went home after a few hours at Junhoe’s and the minute he wasn’t wrapped in those arms any longer he felt on edge again. He didn’t say anything about it though, having intruded on the younger long enough, but the uneasiness still clung to him heavily. 

He tries not to let it show but he catches Junhoe’s gaze across the table in the cafeteria and he knows that he knows. It’s tempting to get up and switch seats so that he can feel the comforting weight of Junhoe’s arm around him and he knows the younger would be happy to provide that comfort. But he doesn’t want to worry the others and so he stays seated across from him. 

The others are absorbed in conversation when Jiwon and Jihyo join them but fortunately no one takes note of his silence. Or maybe they’re just used to it. It doesn’t matter either way because Hanbin is busy keeping his shit together and he’s glad his usual antisocialness works as a cover. 

Jiwon slings an arm around his shoulder suddenly and Hanbin catches the way Junhoe tenses up when he flinches at the sudden touch. But the younger relaxes the second Hanbin does and gives him a look that’s somewhere between sheepish and worried. Hanbin just smiles in reassurance and Junhoe nods minutely, seemingly satisfied. 

Jiwon is safe, and for once Hanbin doesn’t feel that disgusting longing and desire for more than this. He simply shifts closer so he can rest his head more comfortably on his shoulder and reaches out to fiddle with the cuff of Jiwon’s hoodie. Not his hands this time, the warm skin will surely ignite the fire again and he doesn’t want that now. He just wants to feel safe. 

“You okay?” Jiwon whispers and even though the cafeteria is loud Hanbin can hear him clearly.

“Tired.” he murmurs and folds the sleeve up and then down again.

“Yeah,” Jiwon whispers and turns his hand in invitation, Hanbin doesn’t take it and Jiwon continues, “but it’s more than that, I can tell. You only cling like this when you’re on edge.”

He hates how much that simple comment makes his chest heat up. Jiwon knows him so well, not everything, never everything, but these little things that even he doesn’t realise but are so obvious once they’re spoken out loud.

“I’m okay.” is all he says and he feels Jiwon’s shoulder rise and fall under his head as he lets out a deep sigh.

“Bob, you’ve got to tell them about the puppy!” Jihyo says suddenly and the reminder that she’s _there_ makes his chest ache but he still looks over at her. He’s not very good at self care.

“You can tell them.” Jiwon says with a shrug.

Hanbin hates himself for the small sense of satisfaction that spikes through him when he catches Jihyo’s dejected look. She hasn’t done anything wrong and he knows that subtle rejection actually hurts more than obvious ones, she doesn’t deserve that. He lifts his head off Jiwon’s shoulder and sits up straight, tunes back into the conversation around the table and takes a sip of the latte that he thinks Jinhwan bought for him. 

He can feel Jiwon’s eyes on him but he doesn’t spare him a glance. He knows it will reveal more than he’s willing to share even if he’s not entirely sure what it would be this time. His anxiety? Shame? Love?

No. He doesn’t want Jiwon to know about any of that.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m so sorry for the long wait. University has been hectic and going back home for the holidays even more so. But happy New Year! Let’s hope for a revival of the roaring 20’s!

Days turn into weeks, which turns into months, and things are fine. Hanbin seems to be getting better - he still turns up looking exhausted and sick at times, but it’s less often now - and the guys aren’t being so weird. Junhoe has turned into a constant fixture at Hanbin’s side and Bobby forces himself to push down the jealousy that rises at the fact. He doesn’t have any right to be jealous. Besides, him and Junhoe have been going to the gym together - getting some quality ‘bro’ time according to Jinhwan - and the door slamming is never brought up once. And Hanbin and Bobby have been hanging out again, meeting up for quick coffees when time seems to slip out of their hands.

Jihyo is switching majors and Bobby has barely had time to see her as she stresses about completing her courses so that she can get the process started. But they still text and study together in silence at the library. It’s fine, even though he misses her at times. But he understands the distance and simply hopes that once all is done they’ll get back to how they were. 

In the meantime, he focuses on his studies and trying to come up with last minute christmas gifts. Both of which are going… adequately. He’s passing his courses, but only barely, and he just has to get Jihyo, Hanbin, and his mother’s gifts. He curses himself for saving the hardest to last but recruits Hanbin’s help and they head into town together. He hopes he’ll be able to catch it if Hanbin’s eyes linger on something he might want for himself. 

He had tried asking the guys what he should get for him but they had been no help. Chanwoo suggested a horror video game and Bobby had rolled his eyes, knowing it was just him hinting that he wanted it - he still got it for him. Jinhwan and Yunhyeong had been utterly boring in their suggestions and Junhoe had been a downright hopeless cause. Donghyuk had nearly made him squirt water out of his nose when he suggested a vibrator, even going as far as sending the link and telling him that Yunhyeong had gotten the very same for him - a fact Bobby wishes he could erase from his brain.

“Does she like cooking?” Hanbin doesn’t look at him, distracted by the display windows as they walk down the street 

“My mom?” Hanbin turns to face him and gives a small nod, Bobby notices his nose is adorably red, “Yeah I guess, but I got her a cook book last year and she didn’t seem all that pleased to be honest.”

“Jewelry then?” 

“That could work.” Bobby looks around for a shop that he was sure was around here.

“Lotus Jewelry shut down last month.” Hanbin says with a shrug, and points to their right, “It’s a boba cafe now.”

“Oh.”

“We can head to the mall or you could just order something online.” 

“Help me?” he hates how pathetic he sounds but it makes Hanbin laugh, so maybe he doesn’t hate it so much.

“You need something for Jihyo too, right?” Hanbin walks a little faster so Bobby speeds up too, “What does she like?”

“I don’t know.” he groans, turns his face to the sky and stomps a little to show his frustration, “I suck at this.”

“You really do.” Hanbin shakes his head and pulls Bobby into a bookstore, “Chicks dig self-help books right? And she’s switching majors so maybe there’s one with tips on dealing with change.”

“Why are you so smart?” Bobby exclaims and shakes Hanbin’s shoulder a little before rushing over to one of the shelves, but frowning when all he’s faced with is dark covers that might be thrillers.

“Over here.” Hanbin calls out and there’s laughter coloring his voice.

It takes some time and a lot of poking fun at the wide array of self-help books. All of which seem to be stating ridiculously obvious ideas encased in pastel colors and some smiling woman on the front. One of the cashiers seem to notice that they don’t know what they’re doing and offers some help, recommending a book that would be ‘perfect for a driven university student.’

As Bobby pays Hanbin wanders around the store and as the cashier wraps the book he keeps an eye on what shelves Hanbin stays a bit longer in front of. The cashier hands him the bag and Bobby walks over to Hanbin, peering over his shoulder to see what book he’s holding.

“Ariel?” Hanbin jumps and fumbles with the book in his surprise, “Like the little mermaid?”

“No.” Hanbin scoffs and puts the book back, “It’s a collection of Sylvia Plath’s poems.”

“Who?”

Hanbin doesn’t bother answering and just walks out of the store. Bobby hurries to follow.

* * *

Hanbin helped Bobby pick out a necklace for his mom online, a beautiful but simplistic design and Bobby is sure that she’ll love it. So when they meet up a few days before everybody is leaving for the holidays, Bobby feels pretty accomplished, not one person got a gift card from him like they usually would.

They gather in Yunhyeong’s apartment which is tastefully decorated apart from the array of Santa Claus figurines stacked on the windowsill. Hanbin had leaned over to whisper that they were probably cursed and Bobby had to agree. The gifts are stacked on the table and they’re all dressed in ugly christmas sweaters. Bobby hasn’t been this much in the christmas spirit since he was a kid.

They hand over their gifts one by one and Bobby smiles fondly at the surprised look on Jihyo’s face that the guys all got her gifts too. 

“I don’t know you guys all that well so don’t hesitate to ask for the receipt if you don’t like your gifts.” Jihyo says softly and Yunhyeong rushes to assure her that he’ll love it no matter what but she just shakes her head, “I mean it, I won’t get offended. I’d rather you get something you’ll enjoy.” 

“Alright-” Donghyuk whines, “can we open the gifts now?”

They chuckle at the childish tone but the sound of wrapping paper quickly spreads through the room. Bobby unwraps the present he got from Donghyuk and Yunhyeong and he can’t hide his glee when he sees it’s the shoes he’d been eyeing for weeks.

“Thank you!” he says and shakes the box in Donghyuk and Yunhyeong’s direction, getting distracted nods in response as they tear open their own gifts.

“Oh Hanbin!” Jihyo gasps and Bobby leans over to see what she got, “These are lovely!”

“I’m glad you like them.” Hanbin smiles, “I wasn’t sure if you were silver or gold person but-”

“They’re perfect.” she holds up the silver earrings to her ear and smiles, looking over at Bobby, “What do you think?”

“Very pretty.” because she is.

“Thank you hyung!” Chanwoo exclaims and Bobby just chuckles because they both knew he’d get it for him.

Bobby got a shirt from Jinhwan, a new mouse mat from Junhoe who simply told him the one he used now - one with an anime girl as a motif - was ‘ugly as fuck and needed an upgrade’ and Bobby couldn’t argue with him at that, and Chanwoo got him a Steam gift card. Jihyo got him two movie tickets and a promise to go out to a restaurant when they came back after the holidays. He gives her a kiss on the cheek in thanks and urges her to open his gift. 

She smiles as she unwraps the gifts, he’d added a heated blanket since the book felt like it was too little.

“The woman at the store said it’s a bestseller,” he explains as she turns it over in her hands, “and you’re always cold so I thought I’d get you that.”

“Thank you Bobby.” she leans over to give him a quick peck and squeezes his hand.

He turns to his final gift and glances over to Hanbin who’s struggling to get the gift lace off of one of his presents. He chuckles at the frustrated look on his face and sets about tearing open the badly wrapped gift, eyes widening when he realises what it is.

“No way!” he looks at Hanbin and he looks back with a shy smile, “This is so expensive!”

“Do you like it?” is all Hanbin asks.

“I love it!” he places the box down on the table and shuffles over to him to wrap him in a hug, “I can’t believe you remembered.”

“Of course I did.” Hanbin mumbles and Bobby’s chest feels so warm.

He’d mentioned it in passing, ages ago, that he had wanted to become a photographer when he was younger. A dream which had been quickly discouraged by his father as he pushed him to major in something ‘with a secure future’ AKA business. Bobby remembers that Hanbin had told him he could pick it up as a hobby instead but he just never got around to it.

“There’s not a lot of film that comes with it,” Hanbin says when they pull apart, “but i got you some string and clips so that you could decorate your dorm with the pictures you take.”

“Hanbin you are a genius.” Jihyo says from the couch and Bobby glances over to see her smiling cheekily at him, through her eyes don’t quite seem to match her lips, “His room is way too plain. Such a guy.”

“Hey!” he exclaims but the others chime in with agreements and Bobby can’t quite find it in him to be offended. He turns back to Hanbin, “Have you opened my gift?” he asks softly.

He shakes his head and grabs the present and Bobby doesn’t know why his breath gets caught in his throat. But it does and it only releases when Hanbin looks up, eyes wide and a smile on his lips. His fingers trail over the spine of the book as he whispers, “Thank you.”

“It’s the original version,” Bobby says with a shrug, “you always say you prefer hardcover books.”

“I do.” Hanbin agrees, “Thank you.” he says again.

* * *

The holiday passes in a blur of dinners with relatives and meeting up with old friends. It’s nice but it’s over much too quickly in Bobby’s opinion and before he knows it he’s back in his ugly dorm room. Only, it’s not as ugly as he remembers, he’s hung up the pictures he took with his polaroid camera at the christmas gathering and smiles at the group picture Jihyo took of him and the guys.

He walks over to his bag and pulls out the pictures he took back home and chuckles as he realises most of them are of his nephew. The kid was just too cute to resist. He’ll have to buy new film though as he’s nearly out. He grabs a few clips and adds the new pictures to the string hanging over his bed and as he steps back to look at his handiwork he smiles. This is why he loves photography, it gives him the ability to catch a memory in the moment and look back on it in fondness. 

His phone buzzes in his pocket and he lays back on his bed as he pulls it out.

_From Jihyo:  
Are you back at uni?_

_From Bobby:   
Yeah, got back this morning :)  
You?_

_From Jihyo:  
Can I come over?_

_From Bobby:  
Sure! _

He doesn’t have to wait long, just half an hour and then there’s a knock at his door. He springs up from his bed, quickly glancing at himself in the mirror before opening the door. He smiles brightly and Jihyo smiles back but it doesn’t reach her eyes like it usually does. But now that he thinks about it, as he leads her into the room, it hasn’t done that in ages.

“How were the holidays?” he asks and turns to face her, smile not as bright as before.

“Good.” she shrugs.

“Is something wrong?” he reaches out to touch her arm and she leans away discretely and Bobby lets his hand fall.

“I think we should break up.”

“What?” he heard her, but he still asks

“I think we should break up.” she says again and she sounds sad, but there’s a finality to her statement too.

Bobby can’t quite seem to find the words and he opens and closes his mouth, thinking he’s found them, but each time he goes to vocalize it they run away from him. Until finally, a small, broken, little, “why?” escapes.

“You don’t love me.” she says, eyes brimming with tears.

Bobby wants to protest, wants to grab her hands and tell her that it’s not true. That he loves her so much, that he doesn’t want to lose her, but no words come out. He doesn’t get why it’s so hard but Jihyo takes a step closer, hands coming up to rest at the sides of his face as her thumbs gently wipe at the tears gathering on his cheeks.

“Or maybe you do.” she whispers, voice laced with emotion, eyes refusing to meet his, “But it’s not the same way that I love you. I can tell. And we both deserve better than this.”

“Jihyo-” his voice cracks and Jihyo finally locks her eyes with his, there’s no resentment or anger between them, just a sense of resignation, “I’m sorry.” he says softly because he realises, it’s not a surprise. It still hurts though. 

“It’s not your fault.” she leans forward and presses a soft kiss to his cheek, both of their faces covered in streaming tears, “We can’t control our emotions.”

It hurts so much.


	9. Chapter 9

It’s pathetic, how Hanbin keeps going back to the page with the folded corner. 

They all joke about Jiwon being dumb and oblivious. And although the latter is slightly true, the first is not. Hanbin has no doubt in his mind that Jiwon understood the poem and more also, understood what it would mean to him. Last year was bad and although Jiwon hadn’t seen the worst of it, he had seen enough and the way he’d held him when Hanbin finally got back to the city spoke volumes of how much he cared. A fact Hanbin reminded himself of each time his thoughts would become particularly dark or whenever his eyes would stare at the pill bottles in his cabinet for a bit too long. 

_The comets  
Have such space to cross_

Hanbin’s fingers trail over the words, distinctly aware that Jiwon had read them too. His eyes fall on the final verse, a sense of sadness but completion filling him up.

_Touching and melting.  
Nowhere._

The thing about poetry, is that everyone can make their own interpretations. He doubts Sylvia Plath’s mind wandered to hands curling over smaller ones as a sense of longing filled her when she wrote this, but it’s what her words make Hanbin think of. It’s beautiful, the power of words. 

He startles out of his thoughts at a sudden knock at his door and he frowns in confusion, casting a glance at his phone to check if someone had tried to get ahold of him, but, nothing. He takes a deep breath as he stands up, he really doesn’t want to deal with any of his dorm neighbours but he also can’t let himself ignore them.

Only, it’s not one of his neighbours on the other side of the door. It’s Jiwon. He’s about to make a joke about not having seen him since last year but the words die on his tongue when he sees the redness in his eyes.

“What’s wrong?” he doesn’t even think about it when he wraps his arms around the older and he feels more than he hears the shuddering breath he lets out, “What’s going on?”

“She broke up with me.” Jiwon says brokenly into the crook of his neck before pulling away, “Sorry for just barging over here, I- I just couldn’t-” he trails off, looking anywhere except for at Hanbin.

“Don’t apologize.” Hanbin shakes his head and grabs Jiwon’s wrist to pull him inside, it looked like he’d have run off otherwise, “Come on.”

They sit down on his bed and it just feels wrong. Hanbin hadn’t even considered that something might have been wrong in Jiwon and Jihyo’s relationship, they seemed so happy. Hanbin rests his hand on Jiwon’s and he instantly turns it to grip it tightly, as if he needs something to hold on to.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Jiwon shakes his head, a small sniffle seemingly echoes around the room, and he looks up at Hanbin with an almost pleading expression on his face. Hanbin isn’t sure what he’s pleading for so he simply lets go of his hand to wrap his arms around him again. 

They sit like that for a while, in silence apart from the occasional sniffle or choked off cry. Hanbin wishes Jiwon would just let it all out but he doesn’t really have any authority to ask that of him so he simply maneuvers them over on the bed so that they’re lying down. Usually it’d be Hanbin burrowing his face in Jiwon’s chest, but this time it’s reversed. It feels nice, but also so wrong.

“She left me. She said I didn’t love her enough.” Jiwon mumbles eventually, curling deeper into Hanbin’s hold, as if his arms could protect him from the pain inside, “But I was in love with her, and it wasn’t enough.”

“I know.”

Hanbin always wished that Jiwon would feel what he was feeling, but not this time. Because he knows how much it hurts, and Jiwon, sweet, funny, Jiwon, should never have to hurt like this. 

He tightens his hold before bending his arm to run a hand through unruly hair, hoping that it would somehow help, even though he knows it wont. 

“I need a distraction.” Jiwon says after a while, voice rough.

“Yeah?” Hanbin hums, “What do you want to do?”

He seems to contemplate for a second before he asks, “You got any weed?”

“Jiwon-” he sighs, not sure if that’s such a good idea.

“Hanbin,” Jiwon uncurls from him to look him in the eyes, _“please.”_

And Hanbin can’t say no. Not to Jiwon, especially not when he looks at him like this - and it might be bad, but Hanbin thinks Jiwon looks particularly cute with his face all bloated and cheeks dusted pink, if he ignores the reason for it.

The smell has long since gotten imbedded in his dorm, but it strengthens as Jiwon lights a blunt and takes a deep drag. It’s been long since they did this. Hanbin’s missed it, a lot. He just wishes it wasn’t under these circumstances.

He turns on some music and the upbeat track of some early 2000s’ song makes them giggle for no reason. They talk about nothing in particular and they both seem to forget why Jiwon came here in the first place. It’s nice, just laughing about nonsense and purposely singing along badly to the songs playing. 

“I’ve missed hanging out with you.” Jiwon says between chuckles at one point and Hanbin falters.

“So have I.” he agrees eventually and it must be some sick twist of faith that makes the next song change to fucking _Move_. 

They look at each other and Jiwon throws his head back to laugh and Hanbin feels his face flush, Jiwon’s neck has always been one of his best features. His mouth grows dry when Jiwon looks back at him, a smile still playing on his lips but there’s something in his eyes.

Jiwon’s hand comes to rest on Hanbin’s thigh and Hanbin can’t tear his eyes away, “Do you-” Jiwon hesitates, “Do you want to?”

He should say no. He knows he should, but he’s missed Jiwon so much and maybe, just maybe, Jihyo breaking up with him was a sign. Maybe it would make Jiwon realise that he wanted Hanbin too.

“Sure.” his voice is still small and he looks up but he can’t quite meet Jiwon’s eyes.

“Are you sure?” Jiwon places his hand gently against Hanbin’s cheek, his eyes flutter shut at their own accord and he leans into the touch.

“Yeah.” he says, eyes still closed. 

And then, after just a few seconds of nothing, he feels a soft press of lips against his and he’s surprised by his own reaction. By how eagerly he kisses him back, hands reaching up to grip Jiwon’s arms before trailing to his shoulders and pushing him down. He climbs on top of him with more confidence than he’s ever had and he can feel Jiwon smirk against his lips.

He sits up to take his shirt off and Jiwon just stares at him with hooded eyes, hands coming up to caress his skin, “I’ve missed this too.” he breathes out and sits up to press a kiss on his chest, right above his heart before looking up at him again, “I’ve missed you.”

The sincerity in Jiwon’s voice makes his eyes prickle with tears and he kisses him to hide it, wrapping his arms around his neck as Jiwon’s wrap around his waist. It’s sloppy and wet but Hanbin loves it. He can’t stop himself from grinding down on Jiwon and they moan at the friction.

“How-” Hanbin’s already panting, “how far do you wanna-”

“However far you’ll let me.” Jiwon says softly, pressing a quick peck to his cheek, “What do you want?”

“You,” he doesn’t even hesitate, “inside of me.”

“Fuck.” Jiwon groans and lurches forward to reconnect their lips, he maneuvers them so that he’s the one above and Hanbin watches as he leans over to loot around in his bedside table drawer, “Found it!” Jiwon laughs and holds up a bottle of lube triumphantly. 

Hanbin can’t help but laugh too, especially at the awkward but enthusiastic way they undress. His eyes land on Jiwon’s stomach and he can’t stop himself from reaching out to tickle his sides, relishing in the way Jiwon tries not to laugh as he squirms away from the touch.

“So that’s how you want to do it?” Jiwon challenges, grabbing his hands and pinning them over his head in one hand, Hanbin struggles weakly but he doesn’t really want to get out of this hold. Jiwon raises one brow at him, holding his hand up before assaulting him with his fingers over his side, “You should know better by now.” he says between laughs.

“Okay okay!” Hanbin exclaims, trashing on the bed, giggling like a madman, “I yield!”

“Yeah?” Jiwon stops, hand just resting at his waist.

“Yeah.” Hanbin gasps and smirks before dislodging Jiwon’s grip over his wrists and reaching up to hold Jiwon’s face between his hands, “I yield.”

He kisses him, hard, and Hanbin is once again amazed by how quickly the mood always changes between the two of them. It’s not bad either, it’s like they’re always feeling the same way. But Hanbin knows that’s not quite true, but he doesn’t let himself linger on that thought too long. Jiwon doesn’t let him either, because his hand slips down between them to grip his dick and Hanbin lets out a noise somewhere between a groan and a whine. 

“You good?” Jiwon leans back to look at him and Hanbin just nods and grabs the discarded bottle of lube next to him, handing it over to the older, “Good.” Jiwon nods and flicks the cap open.

He smears his hand in it and strokes Hanbin into full hardness before lathering up his fingers and settling between Hanbin’s legs. He gently presses the fist finger in and Hanbin lets out a shuddered breath and forces himself to relax. He leans his head back and closes his eyes, letting his hand trail down his own body until he grips himself, stroking slowly as Jiwon starts moving. 

Jiwon nudges a second finger inside and Hanbin stops moving, tightening his hold to keep from coming right then and there. Jiwon presses a kiss against his hip as he waits for him to adjust. He’s always so gentle, he doesn’t even have to open his eyes to know Jiwon’s watching his face for any reaction and so he gives a small nod when he feels ready for him to move.

“You’re so pretty.” Jiwon sighs, thrusting his fingers in and out, “You know that right Bin?”

Hanbin throws his arm over his face to hide his blush, “Shut up.”

“Why?” 

“Just-” he brings his arm down slightly and opens his eyes to look at him and to his surprise Jiwon looks just as flushed as Hanbin feels, “Just keep going.”

And Jiwon does. Working him up until he can push a third finger inside and Hanbin is embarrassingly close to coming already. Jiwon presses kisses along his shaking thighs, his free hand resting on his hip and rubbing comforting circles into the skin there. 

“Turn over.” Jiwon says eventually, pulling his fingers out and grabbing a condom to put on. 

Hanbin flips over, getting on his knees and elbows, watching over his shoulder as Jiwon settles behind him. He lets his head fall forward when he feels his tip nudge against his entrance and grabs at his sheets tightly as Jiwon pushes himself inside. 

“Oh fuck-” Jiwon groans when he’s bottomed out and he rolls his hips slowly, “so good.”

“So good.” Hanbin moans in agreement, but even in the haze of pleasure he can’t help feeling like it’s a lie. 

He feels a wet spot on the pillow and even though he’s not quite sure where it came from, he’s reminded of the stain that had formed on his shirt just earlier. Jiwon had been crying today, he’d been broken up with and he’s already here, thrusting into Hanbin as if he’s chasing something more than just his release. 

“Jih-” Jiwon catches himself, and even though he leans over to press a kiss to Hanbin’s back as if in an apology, Hanbin can still feel his heart plummet.

This wasn’t good. He should have said no. He shouldn’t have deluded himself. He knows Jiwon doesn’t love him, and he knows the older is an emotional mess right now, that he’s taking advantage just as much as Jiwon. But it still fucking hurts. 

Jiwon keeps thrusting into him and the almost frantic pace he’s set tells Hanbin he’s close. He reaches under him, hating himself for how good this feels despite it being so wrong. His eyes prickle with tears and he cries out as he comes, and he’s honest he kind of wants to sob. But Jiwon is still fucking him through his orgasm, chasing his own.

They’re panting in tandem and Jiwon reaches out to place his hand over Hanbin’s, squeezing it ever so slightly but it feels so strong. Hanbin collapses fully on his front and Jiwon pulls out of him. He’s distractedly aware of Jiwon getting up but he’s all the more focused on the wet spot underneath him that makes him feel nearly nauseous. 

The bed dips as Jiwon comes to lay beside him, grabbing the covers and pulling it over them. Hanbin turns his back to Jiwon and he can feel him hesitate slightly before he curls up behind him. He doesn’t push him away. It wouldn’t be right of him to do so. He doesn’t think he’s capable of comforting Jiwon further but at least this he can offer, a warmth to rest next to.

_Touching and melting.  
Nowhere._

Nowhere indeed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, so I feel like I need to be transparent with yall. I don’t really like this story anymore and I suppose it’s obvious given the (poor) quality of this chapter.   
I do want to complete this but I think it will probably take me awhile to get to a point where I actually can. I am going to be focusing on some other stories in the meantime but I just wanted to let you know that I’m not completely abandoning this, it’s just for the time being.
> 
> Anyways… please let me know what you think, comments and critique is greatly appreciated.  
xoxo


	10. Chapter 10

Junhoe was running next to him and Bobby felt a bit ridiculous as they kept messing with the settings on the treadmills to try and beat each other. Jinhwan would surely accuse them of being stereotypical guys but Bobby had always liked a bit of competition. Losing, however, he wasn’t a fan of. And he felt like he was going to, his breathing was ragged and his shirt was already plastered to his skin and they’d only been running for about half an hour. The worst part though, was that Junhoe knew it too, he kept sending smirks in his direction as he heightened the setting

“Dude-” Bobby whines between pants, “can you chill out?”

“What?” Junhoe asks with a cheeky smirk, though he is also winded, “Who says you’ve got to follow my regiment?”

Bobby rolls his eyes and sighs deeply, he has to give up. It’ll be less embarrassing to lower the settings than it would be to fall over on the treadmill. Junhoe laughs when he does so though and Bobby scowls at him in return. He briefly considers if they should join one of the boxing classes together - no particular reason for it of course. 

He heads over to the weights on trembling legs as he gulps down some water. He hasn’t worked out properly in ages and he’s missed it. Not only because of how good his body feels after but also because he’s missed spending time with Junhoe. They’d drifted apart since he started dating Jihyo and Bobby feels angry with himself for finding a positive in the breakup, he’s not a good person for feeling this way. 

He hasn’t even been able to tell them that they’ve broken up. Hanbin obviously knows but it’s always been different with him. They’ve shared too much between them for Bobby to feel scared of telling him. With the others however, he feels embarrassed to let them know. They’d already shown that they didn’t like him being in a relationship with Jihyo - though they had been starting to come around on that - and it’s pride that keeps him from confirming whatever they’d thought. 

He needs to talk about it with someone though, despite the shame of it, and Hanbin hasn’t been responding to any of his messages since the day he’d went over to him. He isn’t sure what he’s done wrong this time and he feels the resentment towards himself rise. He really isn’t a good person. 

“Are you that weak?” Junhoe scoffs as he joins him and Bobby realises he hasn’t even started any exercises. 

“Just resting for a bit.” he says, voice smaller than intended.

Junhoe looks at him with a frown, “What’s been up with you lately?”

Junhoe might look disinterested most of the time but Bobby knows he’s far more observant than people give him credit for. He can’t lie to him but he also doesn’t want to tell him the truth, still remembering the day he got a door slammed in his face.

“Hanbin’s ignoring me.” he doesn’t elaborate, bending down into a squat and picks up the weight. 

“He’s busy,” Junhoe says, picking out a weight for himself - heavier than Bobby’s of course - “he’s got a lot of school work right now.”

Bobby just grunts in response, biting down the jealousy at the fact that Junhoe knows this and he doesn’t. It’s his own fault anyways, for not having been there for Hanbin as he should have, for not having been a good friend.

* * *

He sees Jihyo in class and she looks okay, even giving him a little wave in greeting as he passes her to head to the back of the lecture hall. He’s glad it hasn’t ended up messy between the two of them, he cares a lot for her and he hopes that they might be able to become friends once some time has passed. She really is a great girl, sweet and funny and smart, everything Bobby loves in a person. And yet he couldn’t love her enough. Couldn’t be enough.

He pulls his hood over his head and scoffs at himself, the word ‘melodramatic’ should probably be added onto his resume at this point. He doesn’t have any right to feel bad about this, not when it’s his own fault. Fortunately the professor starts the lecture and he takes out his laptop to take some notes, needing the distraction. 

They’re given an assignment and he figures he should get started on time for once and heads over to the library after class. He could join the others in the cafeteria but he doesn’t like how much of a liar he feels like when he’s around them. It seems that he isn’t the only one unwilling to socialize though, because he sees Hanbin sitting by the windows, headphones plugged in as he types away on his laptop. 

He walks over to the younger and pokes him in the arm and can’t help but chuckle at how violently he flinches. But his laughter dies down as soon as Hanbin looks up at him, his eyes are glassy and there’s deep circles under them. Hanbin tries to smile but it doesn’t look quite right.

“Hey.” Hanbin says, sliding his headphones down.

“Hey.” Bobby takes the seat next to him, “You alright?”

“Fine.”

Whenever he gets that response from anyone, he always ends up conflicted. Unsure if he should press on and figure out what’s actually wrong or if he should respect the obvious dismissal that the word gives. 

“Can I join you?” he figures a conflict wouldn’t be the best way of getting Hanbin to start speaking to him again.

“Sure.” Hanbin puts his headphones on again, yet another dismissal - or is it a rejection?

They spend a few hours there and Bobby heads off in the middle somewhere to buy them some food even though it’s not allowed to eat in the library. It’s comfortable but it’s also... not. It’s like there’s some wall between them and Bobby hadn’t even seen when it started to build. He isn’t sure how to tear it down either.

As the afternoon draws closer to evening Bobby starts to pack his things away but Hanbin doesn’t even seem to notice. He pokes him on the arm and Hanbin looks over at him, expression a mixture of annoyance and exhaustion as he slides one headphone to the side to hear him.

“It’s getting late.” Bobby says softly, “Aren’t you gonna go home?”

“I still have a lot I need to get done.” Hanbin says simply and Bobby feels his worry for the younger increase, he always works too hard, burning himself out completely.

“When is the deadline?” 

“Friday.” he slides the headphone back on.

“Then you have plenty of time,” Bobby grabs the headphones off his head and Hanbin scowls over at him, “you need to rest too, remember?”

Hanbin opens his mouth, presumedly to argue, but he ends up letting out a wide yawn instead and Bobby smiles at how adorable his scrunched up face is. Hanbin seems to realise the humour in it too because he lets out an awkward little chuckle and gives a small nod. 

“Okay.”

It takes some convincing but Bobby manages to get Hanbin to allow him to go with him to his dorm to hang out. They quickly slink into a nearby grocery store to pick up some ingredients and Bobby is reminded of the first couple times they hung out. How casual it had been, how simple it was. He’s still amazed by how quickly they grew close, how comfortable the two of them were together. 

But something had changed, even before Bobby met Jihyo, and he wasn’t sure what. He hopes he can fix this, maybe hanging out like they used to would remind Hanbin that he actually cared about this friendship. That he didn’t ever want to be without him. 

Once they reach the dorms Bobby tells Hanbin he can go have a nap and that he’ll cook them dinner. For the first time that day Hanbin actually looks at him with something other than annoyance and it makes Bobby’s chest feel all warm. He’s a bit confused by the reaction but he figures he’s been deprived of a lot of stuff as of late. 

It’s only about half an hour later that Hanbin comes to join him in the kitchen and the younger looks adorably sleepy as he sits down on the chair, arms resting on the back of it and chin on top of them as he watches Bobby cook. 

“Smells good.” Hanbin mumbles and Bobby smiles, scooping a bit of sauce onto a spoon and holding it out for Hanbin to taste. The younger hums in appreciation and smiles when Bobby pulls the spoon out of his mouth, “Tastes good too.”

“I’m glad.” Bobby chuckles and tosses the spoon into the sink, “I’m nearly done, you wanna eat in your room or here?”

“Here is fine.” Hanbin says and stands, walking over to the cupboards to grab them some plates. 

They make small talk as they eat and Bobby feels like he might just be able to tear down the wall between them. He almost regrets asking about the project Hanbin had been working on but the excitement Hanbin always has talking about literature is captivating even though he doesn’t understand most of what he’s talking about. Bobby just really likes seeing Hanbin happy and if him sitting here, having everything he says fly over his head, is what will cause that, he’d gladly do it all day. 

“Sorry,” Hanbin says sheepishly when he seems to realise just how long he’s been talking, “I’m rambling.”

“Don’t apologize.” Bobby shakes his head, “You can keep going, I don’t mind.”

Hanbin seems unsure but picks up his train of thought and Bobby feels so incredibly fond. He wishes he could have that same passion for what he’s studying and he’s glad Hanbin has that, the younger deserves that at the very least. It’s probably the only thing that’s keeping him here, the stress surely would have killed him if he hadn’t enjoyed it. 

They do the dishes together and Hanbin seems to have regained some energy because he grabs some foam and splatters it over Bobby’s cheeks and chin, laughing loudly at how he looks like santa. Bobby can’t even pretend to be annoyed and grabs some foam of his own and boops some of it onto the younger’s nose, making him laugh even more. He hadn’t realised just how much he’s missed that sound. 

Later, as he walks back to his own dorm, Bobby realises he’s not as angry with himself this time when he finds a positive in the breakup. He values Jihyo and he was in love with her, but to him, his friendship with Hanbin will always matter more. It might be wrong, but he finds himself being relieved that he doesn’t have to dabble the two and ultimately hurt one of them - or both, given his track record.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this ended up shorter than intended but ... ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯   
hope you'll still like it

Jiwon keeps coming to the library to study with him, and Hanbin wants to hate it. He wants to get annoyed and tell him to leave. He wants to yell at him, tell him how much of an asshole he’s being. He wants to tell him how much of a second choice he feels like now that Jiwon is hanging out with him only after getting out of his relationship. But he can’t do it, because he’s missed him. 

He’s reminded of when they first got to know each other. How easily they fit together and how much fun they had together. The librarian glared at them one of the times they entered together and they couldn’t help giggling as they both remembered the time when they got kicked out for causing too much of a ruckus. That happened over two years ago now and Hanbin feels utterly pathetic when he realises just how long he’s been pining for the older man.

Jinhwan had tried to talk some sense into him, once, after he realised what the two of them were doing behind closed doors. He had been able to see right through Hanbin from the start and _God_ does Hanbin wish he would have listened to him.

_“All he ever does is hurt you!” Jinhwan’s voice had broken at the last word and Hanbin’s heart followed soon after, “You need to stop this.” Jinhwan continued, voice barely above a whisper then._

_“I know.” Hanbin agreed,_ he knew,_ “But I can’t.”_

_“Because you love him.”_

_“Because I love him.”_

Nothing has changed since then.

Well, maybe some things have changed. Like how close he and Junhoe have gotten. It had come as a pleasant surprise when Hanbin found out Junhoe enjoyed poetry, and that he even wrote some himself. Hanbin felt a bit bad about how he was using Junhoe as an excuse to not hang out with Jiwon but he wasn’t strong enough to reject him outright, and Junhoe understood. 

At times it felt like Jiwon was realising what was going on, that Hanbin wanted to distance himself from him. But then he’d show up at the library like nothing was up, or swing by his dorm with leftovers when he though Hanbin hadn’t been eating well - he was right of course. It made Hanbin’s heart flutter but he forced himself to push it down, told Jiwon thanks and told him some excuse that he couldn’t hang out right then.

* * *

Hanbin’s walking to the cafeteria with Junhoe when he sees him, and he doesn’t even realise he’s reached out to grip the sleeve of the younger man’s shirt until he feels him eyeing him confusedly. Hanbing can’t let go though, and he feels ridiculous by the way his throat already feels like it’s closing up. Junhoe places his hand over Hanbin’s, making sure he keeps it there and pulls him into the men’s restrooms, calmly sitting him down on one of the toilets and kneels in front of him.

“What’s wrong?” he asks, placing each hand on his thighs and Hanbin focuses on the weight in an attempt to get grounded. 

“I saw him-” it comes out all choked and Junhoe’s brows furrow in confusion even as he rubs Hanbin’s leg in reassurance, “Kwangsoo, the guy that-”

“The guy you met from grindr?” Junhoe fills in when Hanbin can’t bring himself to continue and he nods in confirmation even as shame burns in his chest, or is it panic? “It’s okay, he won’t do anything.”

“I know.” because he does but he still feels his skin crawl just thinking about that day.

“I’ve got you,” Junhoe says, gripping Hanbin’s hands in his, rubbing his thumbs against his palms, “just breathe with me alright?”

He knows he’s being unreasonable. Kwangsoo hadn’t tried to contact him whatsoever and Hanbin knows that what happened probably was nothing to him, but to Hanbin it had been terrifying. But Junhoe is there, again, grounding him like he had that day, and Hanbin manages to calm down slightly.

“I’m good.” Hanbin says with an embarrassed smile.

“Yeah?” Hanbin nods, “You ready to go or do you want to stay here a bit longer?”

“We can go.”

Hanbin makes a quick detour to the sinks and splashes his face with some water and Junhoe patiently waits for him. Hanbin still feels a bit shaky and as they end up back in the crowded corridor he tries to make himself smaller, unnoticeable. Wordlessly Junhoe slings an arm over his shoulders and maneuver them so they’re close to the wall, so that he’s the one getting knocked into and not Hanbin. 

“Sorry.” Hanbin mumbles and Junhoe just pats his arm and leads him the rest of the way to the cafeteria. 

After they buy their food Hanbin sits himself between Yunhyeong and Junhoe, feeling comfortable beside the two but he regrets it slightly as it means he’s seated right across from Jiwon. The older looks at him in concern and his gaze keeps flicking between him and Junhoe and it looks like he’s trying to solve some complicated problem. He seems to come to a conclusion but he looks almost sad because of it. 

Hanbin doesn’t understand it but he doesn’t feel like dwelling on it and simply unwraps his sandwich and focuses on eating instead. The others are talking about something but Hanbin doesn’t really feel like participating, he still feels shaky and he isn’t sure if his voice will be stable enough to hide it. He doesn’t want to have to explain himself. Even though the others are used to his silence he catches them looking at him in concern and at one point Yunhyeong places a hand on his thigh in a silent show of him being there, in case he needs anything.

“Hey Bin,” Jiwon says once their a lull in the conversation, “have you seen the last season of Skam? We only got to season three, right?”

“Yeah.” Hanbin mumbles and Junhoe slings an arm around the back of his chair, Jiwon frowns at the movement, “I never watched it.”

“You free tonight?”

Hanbin feels the other’s eyes on him but all he can see is the almost pleading look in Jiwon’s eyes, “Yeah, I’m free.”

Junhoe lets out a deep sigh and Hanbin feels bad. He wishes he knew how to say no. 

But he doesn’t, and that night he ends up at Jiwon’s place. They’re laying on his bed side by side and Hanbin wonders if it feels as awkward to Jiwon as it does for him. Usually, he’d have given in at this point and curled himself up to the other man but tonight he doesn’t want to, he doesn’t want to be another reason for Junhoe to sigh or for Yunhyeong and Jinhwan to look at him with that pitying gaze they always have. 

“You alright?” Jiwon asks at one point and Hanbin just hums in response, “You seemed upset earlier.”

“I’m fine.”

“Have I done something?” Jiwon’s voice sounds so unusually small, insecure, and Hanbin hates that he’s the cause of it. He sits up and Jiwon follows, pausing the show and putting the laptop to the side, “You can tell me, I won’t get mad, you know I don’t want to hurt you.”

“Yeah.” Hanbin sighs, eyes falling to Jiwon’s lips without him being able to resist it, “I know.”

Jiwon smirks a little, biting his lip and Hanbin curses himself for blushing just at the sight of it. Jiwon is so attractive, so nice, so funny. Hanbin loves everything about him. Hanbin just loves him. But Jiwon doesn’t. 

_“You need to stop this.”_

Jinhwan’s words echo in his head and Hanbin knows he’s right even though it was so long since he spoke those words. Nothing has changed since then. But that’s only because Hanbin hasn’t done anything to change it.

Jiwon leans forward to press their lips together and Hanbin, for the first time, leans away.

“I don’t want to do this.” he says it with more confidence than he thought he’d be able to.

“Oh,” Jiwon doesn’t look offended, only a bit flustered, maybe a little bit disappointed too, but he still smiles, “that’s okay, we don’t have to.”

“I don’t want to do this ever again.” he needs to be strict here, not for Jiwon’s sake, but for his own. He’s let this go on for far too long already and it’s brought nothing but pain.

Jiwon looks at him, confused, the smile looking uncertain now, but it’s still there, “Okay. If that’s what you want.”

Hanbin hates how much this reaction makes him fall for Jiwon even more. Jiwon is the first person he’s never been afraid of, the first person he knows would never force him to do something he wasn’t comfortable with. Jiwon is so understanding.

Yet, he doesn’t understand.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long wait but here yall go *holds up this trash of a chapter in a peace offering* !

It wasn’t like that night had been the first time Hanbin rejected him, but it had never been so outright and never so final. It isn’t in his place to be upset about it though, Bobby knows that, but he’s still disappointed. And it’s not just because he’d been horny and craving to have Hanbin close but more so because he doesn’t understand why. Their arrangement worked well, having each other when they needed it but apparently Hanbin didn’t want that anymore. 

_Didn’t want him anymore._

He hadn’t expected that thought to hurt as much as it did, but damned if it didn’t hurt. Each time he sees Hanbin with Junhoe it spikes and he hates himself because he knows what that hurt means. It means he’s jealous and he has absolutely no right to feel it. Hanbin is allowed to be with whoever he wants to be with and Bobby would never want to be the reason Hanbin doesn’t get what he wants. And furthermore, Junhoe seems happy with him too and that hurts too. The two people he’s the closest to becoming closer to each other, leaving him alone. 

He still has the others but it just isn’t the same. Bobby can’t casually sling his arm around Donghyuk’s shoulder like he would with Junhoe and he can’t hold Jinhwan’s hand like he would Hanbin’s. There’s this distance there and Bobby honestly hadn’t minded it in the past, because he’d had Junhoe and Hanbin. But now that same distance is growing between them too, as the two of them only get tighter. 

There’s not anything he can do about it though and so he tries to act like nothing is wrong but he isn’t sure how convincing he’s being. Yunhyeong keeps looking at him funny and even Chanwoo seems to realise something is up but they don’t say anything. Another show of evidence for the gap between them. He’s pretty sure that if he brought it up with anyone, they’d be there for him but he doesn’t want to be the cause of any drama. 

Hanbin seems happier too, more at ease than Bobby’s ever seen him and he doesn’t want to ruin that. Junhoe is a good guy, and Bobby’s glad that he’s the one Hanbin’s with even if it pains him. Hanbin deserves someone good in his life. 

Which is exactly what makes Bobby absolutely furious when he sees Junhoe pull some girl in by the waist to kiss her cheek as they walk down the courtyard. She’s a foreigner and as he storms up to the two of them he can hear Junhoe speak to her in broken English that she doesn’t seem to mind. 

“Bobby-” Junhoe says in greeting, smiling brightly until he seems to realise he’s gotten caught, smile falling.

“What the fuck is this?” he exclaims and the girl pushes herself away from Junhoe and is looking between the two of them in confusion. 

“Why are you so mad?” Junhoe looks worried but takes the time to send a reassuring smile to the girl.

“Who is she?” Bobby doesn’t care if he’s being rude or scaring the girl, he just wants answers.

“This is AJ,” Junhoe looks uncomfortable, “she’s an exchange student and we kinda-” he hesitates before smiling with more confidence than Bobby thinks he should have in this situation, “we kinda started dating.”

He couldn’t believe this. He’d expected so much better from Junhoe but he doesn’t even seem to realise just how wrong this is. 

“What about Hanbin?” Bobby asks in disbelief.

“What about him?”

“Are you serious?” Bobby can’t keep himself from raising his voice and it makes both Junhoe and the girl - AJ - flinch, “You’re fucking cheating on him!”

“You think-” Junhoe starts but breaks off into laughter and both AJ and Bobby look at him in confusion, “You think me and Hanbin are together?”

It takes a few beats of silence before Bobby manages to find his voice again, “You’re not?” 

“You’re a fucking idiot!” he keeps laughing, “We’re just friends, he was the reason I even asked AJ out in the first place. He encouraged it!”

“Oh.” Bobby feels his face heat up in embarrassment and Junhoe is almost crying from how hard he’s laughing, AJ still looks confused but less scared now at least, “Sorry.”

Junhoe takes a few calming breaths and reaches out to pat his shoulder, “It’s okay dude, I know you’re not exactly the sharpest tool in the shed.” 

“Asshole.” Bobby mutters and it makes AJ laugh, figures that the girl would know curse words in Korean, “Well, congrats I guess.”

“Thanks.” Junhoe still has laughter in his voice, “We’re gonna leave, see you around.”

As Bobby watches them walk away he considers himself lucky. Lucky that Junhoe is such a chill guy, most people wouldn’t have taken such a baseless accusation as well as he had, and most definitely not been able to find the humour in it. Bobby scoffs to himself and runs a hand through his hair, as if trying to detangle the embarrassment encompassing him. He feels drained, all the blood boiling anger having simmerered out of his system so quickly, and thanks his lucky stars that he doesn’t have any more classes today. 

The rest of the week drags on slowly so when Jinhwan lets them know he’s throwing a party he happily agrees to go. He still feels embarrassed and the feeling only increases when he enters Jinhwan’s apartment only to be greeted by Junhoe and AJ sucking face a few feet away. They pull away from each other and look at him before bursting into laughter, faces flushed and clinging to each other to stay upright. 

He can’t seem to find any words and simply nods to them in greeting before rushing past them, seeking refuge next to Yunhyeong on the couch. The older looks at him with that understanding look that he always seems to wear and offers him a beer he pulls out of the cooler next to him. Bobby gratefully takes it, cracking it open and taking a few large gulps. 

“So what do you think about AJ?” Yunhyeong asks and the smirk on his face tells him that he’s already heard about his little confrontation earlier that week.

“She’s fine, I guess.” Bobby shrugs and it makes Yunhyeong laugh.

There’s yelling coming from the kitchen and then Donghyuk comes sprinting out, throwing himself on top of Yunhyeong, laughing almost manically, “I won at beer pong!”

“Congrats babe.” Yunhyeong chuckles, hugging him a bit closer.

The party was already in full swing when Bobby arrived so it doesn’t surprise him that Donghyuk is already at that sleepy state of drunk, letting his eyes flutter shut as he rests his head in the crook of Yunhyeong’s neck. Bobby sees a few people look at them weirdly, Donghyuk is full on straddling his boyfriend after all, but Bobby just thinks it’s cute. 

“About you and Junhoe,” Yunhyeong says, breaking the silence between them, “Why’d you get so mad at him? You rarely let your anger get the better of you.”

“I thought he was cheating on Hanbin.” Bobby defends even though he’s embarrassed by what happened, “Of course I’d get mad.”

“Is it only that though?” Yunhyeong asks and it sounds like a challenge.

“What do you mean?” 

“You two aren’t sleeping with each other anymore,” Yunhyeong says simply, adding quickly, “he told me himself.” 

“But he’s still my best friend, I want him to be treated right.” Yunhyeong hums in response, as if pondering his answer.

“But you’ve seemed down ever since you guys stopped, and I don’t think it’s just because you aren’t getting laid.” the older quirks a brow in question.

The answer feels easier than it should. 

“You might be right.”

Because if that might isn’t just that, a might, it means much hasn’t changed, that what he’s feeling, right now, is something that’s been there for ages already, and he just never let himself feel it. Bobby takes a sip of his beer and looks away, which of course is right when Hanbin comes stumbling out of the kitchen with Chanwoo holding him upright. He’s laughing and Bobby is all too familiar with the warmth that spreads in his chest at the sight. He loves it when Hanbin is happy. He doesn’t get how he hadn’t realised what that warmth meant.

“You should tell him how you feel.” Yunhyeong says and Bobby can’t look away from Hanbin.

“I can’t.” 

He really can’t. His relationship with Hanbin is rocky as it is, he can’t ruin that. And anyways, what was he supposed to do? Just go over there and tell him, he couldn’t possibly bring himself to be the reason Hanbin stops smiling today. He’s done enough of that already.

“I’m dealing with children over here.” Yunhyeong groans.

Bobby keeps watching Hanbin for the rest of the night, feeling like a total creep but he’s enjoying it too much. It’s too rare that Hanbin is as happy as he is tonight. It’s sad that it’s probably just the alcohol in his system that’s letting him seem as free as he does but Bobby hopes that it’s not. That Hanbin really is happy. 

At some point Yunhyeong and Donghyuk leave and quite a few people take the empty spot next to him on the couch but Bobby can’t really muster up enough energy to talk to any of them. That is, until the couch dips and he glances over to see Jihyo sitting right there. 

“Hi!” she smiles and all he feels is guilt, “You doing okay?”

“Yeah.” it comes out as more of a croak than anything and he clears his throat, trying again, “Yeah.”

“Well, that’s a lie.” Jihyo laughs but it sounds sad. 

“I’m sorry.” and he isn’t just apologizing for this lie.

“I know.” she understands that too, proven by the way she glances over at Hanbin playing with the speakers, “So you’ve finally realised it, huh?”

“Yeah.” Bobby can’t look at her, “I’m sorry.” 

“Hey,” she guides his face to meet her eyes with a finger to his chin, “We can’t control what we feel.” her smile is forced but _God,_ does Bobby appreciate her, “But please stay away from me so that I can get over you.”

“Okay,” Bobby readily agrees, “I hope we can go back to being friends at some point though. I really do care about you.”

“Idiot!” she smacks his head, laughing sadly, “I said I’m trying to get over you and you’re being all sweet.”

“Sorry.” he chuckles, rubbing the spot she hit.

“Shoo!” she waves him off, smiling even though she still looks sad, “Get away from me.”

He doesn’t mention the fact that he was there first and heads for the kitchen to steal a drink or two from Jinhwan.


	13. Chapter 13

Hanbin was happy, a lovely mixture of weed and alcohol in his system making him forget. He could see Junhoe with AJ and it made him so happy that the younger had finally managed to muster up the courage to talk to her. He’d been so self conscious, worried about the fact that he might not be enough to please her but he’d excitedly told Hanbin that AJ was fine with it, that she wouldn’t go further than he was comfortable with. Junhoe deserved someone good and he hoped AJ really was as good of a person as Junhoe said she was.

He was taking a break from playing beer pong when he saw Jiwon was finally there. A part of him wanted to go over there but he forced himself to stay put even as he worried his bottom lip between his teeth at the sad look on his face. He’d pulled away from Jiwon for his own good, needing to prioritise himself for once, but he hadn’t really realised what it would look like from his point of view. Jiwon looked really lonely now, fortunately Yunhyeong was there.

He needed a distraction so he joined the next game of beer pong and the girl on his team seemed too far gone so he drank for the both of them with each cup they lost. His aim was bad already in a sober state so he was downright horrible now and Chanwoo laughed at each missed shot. But he didn’t take offence to it, the happy feeling coming back despite Donghyuk’s taunting and cheering as he and his team got closer and closer to winning.

It made him laugh when they finally lost, Donghyuk bounded over to Yunhyeong, yelling wildly and throwing himself on top of his boyfriend, inhibitions thrown to the wind allowing them to be the couple with the most PDA out there. He considered going over there now, having two people as bumpers between him and Jiwon but even that thought made him feel guilty and he stole Chanwoo’s fruity drink out of his hand to take a few gulps, sweet taste replacing the bitter one in his mouth. 

Hanbin isn’t even sure what he’s laughing about when Chanwoo pulls him along, saying he needs to sit down for a bit while grabbing a bottle of water on the way. He sits him down on the floor by the open window and he hadn’t even realised how hot he was until he feels the cool air on his face. He gratefully takes a few gulps of water and Chanwoo sits down next to him, wrapping an arm around his shoulders, letting Hanbin lean against his larger frame. 

They just sit there together, lazily singing along to the music playing and it feels nice but Hanbin can’t keep his eyes from trailing over to Jiwon on the couch. He wishes he didn’t feel so much when he sees Jihyo slide into the seat next to him and he’s grateful for Chanwoo and how he slides his hand into his, letting him hold tight just for the sake of it. 

“You know-” the younger says, only just loud enough to be heard over the music but not enough to be overheard, “I think it’s about time you tell him. This has been going on for too long already.” 

He doesn’t bother denying it and tries to slide his hand out of Chanwoo’s tight grip but he won’t let him, “I can’t.”

“Why not?” 

“I don’t want to ruin what we have.” Hanbin tries but it sounds weak even to his own ears.

“I think that’s already ruined,” Chanwoo says, not unkindly, “maybe telling him would give you some closure? If he rejects you then that’s it, and maybe he feels the same way.”

“Doesn’t look like it.” Hanbin says, free hand moving to gesture to Jiwon and Jihyo but he lets it fall midway as he sees him walking away from her, Jiwon smiling while she’s not. 

“You sure about that?” Chanwoo sounds way too smug, usually it would annoy Hanbin but this time it spurs something on inside of him and he struggles to get up.

He gets a slap to his ass once he finally gets to his feet and he glares down at the younger who only grins back up at him. His head is spinning slightly from the elevation but he walks with more confidence than he has to the kitchen where he finds Jiwon rooting through Jinhwan’s fridge.

“Can you hand me one?” he’s already drank too much but for some reason he needs more.

Jiwon wordlessly hands him a beer and he looks a bit nervous for some reason. It’s cute, the way he won’t quite meet his eyes and shuffles on his feet, but it also makes Hanbin sad, because Chanwoo’s right, he’s already ruined what they have. Although he might not have enough courage to tell him why he cut Jiwon off like he did, he might be able to bring them back to the way they are. 

If Jinhwan could hear what he’s thinking he’d probably slap him but he can’t find it in himself to care. He wants Jiwon and him walking away from Jihyo made it obvious that there were no lingering feelings there. Maybe he could win him over somehow, maybe distance really does make the heart grow fonder and it’s changed something in Jiwon. 

It’s wishful thinking, he knows that somewhere in the back of his mind but chooses to ignore it, instead knocking the neck of his bottle together with Jiwon’s and takes a few chugs. He still hates beer and he cringes at the taste, the only thing that makes it bearable is the knowing chuckle Jiwon lets out.

“It’s all they have left.” Jiwon explains, sounding a bit apologetic.

“Do you have anything else at your place?” the words tumble out faster than he can comprehend and Jiwon’s eyes widen almost comically at the question.

“You wanna party at my place?” he asks, a hopeful look on his face. 

“If you want to?”

“Yeah!” Jiwon nods excitedly, reaching out to grip his arm but stopping just short of touching him.

Uncertain has never really been a word Hanbin’s used to describe Jiwon and it pains him that he’s caused it. He wants to fix it and so he closes the final distance, gripping the hand he so often shied away from to drag him towards the door. The warm tingle he feels each time they touch is still ever present, he doesn’t know why he thought he could ever get over Jiwon. It was stupid of him to believe he could stay away and right now he just wants him as close as he can get him.

Jiwon lives pretty close by and usually some fresh air would help clear Hanbin’s mind but tonight it seems to be doing the opposite, he stumbles a few times and Jiwon wraps his arm around him in support the whole way home. All Hanbin can think about it how much he’s missed him and when they finally close the door behind them he pushes him up against it. 

Jiwon looks surprised and Hanbin bites his lip, hesitating for only a second before leaning forward, connecting their lips. Heat spreads through his entire being as they kiss, he lets his hands wander down Jiwon’s chest and then slides cold palms under his shirt. It makes Jiwon gasp and he leans away knocking his head against the door.

“Hanbin-” he says, gasping again when Hanbin circles around a nipple, “you said you didn’t want this.”

“I do.” Hanbin shakes his head, leaning forward to reconnect their lips but Jiwon turns his face away.

“You’re drunk.” he says, placing his hands on Hanbin’s chest to push him away.

It makes him feel sick and it takes a little while for Hanbin to realise that it’s not just in the figurative sense of the word and it’s on trembling legs that he rushes to the bathroom. He hears Jiwon call after him right before he starts retching and there are immediately tears gathering in his eyes. They fall once he feels a large hand rub his back calmly, there’s a rumbling sound vaguely being heard over the pounding in his ears that must be Jiwon mumbling comforting words.

He breathes heavily, forehead leaning against cool porcelain for a while and he mumbles a weak thank you when Jiwon presses a cup of water into his hand. He rinses his mouth a few times before taking a few small sips. Jiwon is still rubbing his back comfortingly.

“Why don’t you like me?” he lets it slip out even though he knows he shouldn’t say it.

“Bin,” Jiwon says and he sounds so fond that it makes his tears fall for yet another reason, “you know I love you.”

“But you’re not in love with me.” he mumbles and he isn’t sure Jiwon even heard it, he doesn’t know if he wants him to have heard it. 

He hears Jiwon mutter something but his head is back over the toilet bowl and he’s puking his guts out again. He isn’t sure how long they stay there on the bathroom floor but eventually the nausea eases and he uses the toothbrush he’d left here months ago - he didn’t think Jiwon would keep it - to get the taste out his mouth. 

Jiwon is careful and gentle as he leads Hanbin over to his bed, kneeling down in front of him to unlace the shoes he hadn’t had the time to remove. He feels utterly exhausted, completely regretting how much he drank but in a guilty way he feels happy about it too. It forced Jiwon to take care of him and the older does it with ease, smiling fondly at him as he helps him out of his coat and jeans and pulls the soft covers over him before laying down beside him. 

He doesn’t bother to fight against sleep but he peeks one eye open when he hears Jiwon sigh. To his surprise he looks fully awake, propped up on one elbow just watching him, though he looks away quickly when he sees Hanbin looking at him. He doesn’t know if he’s imagining things in the dim light or not but he thinks Jiwon is blushing. He’s too tired to let himself linger on the thought though and closes his eye again and lets himself be pulled under fully. 

He has a headache. That’s the first thought that comes to mind when he wakes up, the second is that he’s curled up next to something warm and comfortable and he nuzzles his face into it. And then it all comes back to him and he jerks back and away. Fortunately his dramatic movement doesn’t wake Jiwon up and he manages to climb out of bed without him even stirring. 

Hanbin hastily puts on his jeans and shoes and shrugs on his coat, granting himself a few seconds to watch Jiwon’s sleeping face. He looks peaceful, relaxed, the exact opposite of what Hanbin is feeling. He’s never regretted something as much as he’s regretting last night, he can only hope that Jiwon was more drunk than he’d seemed. If he was lucky he didn’t remember what Hanbin had said. 

It’s still early and it’s a bit chilly outside but he still pulls out his phone, a bit of frostbite on his fingers doesn’t matter when it feels like his head is about to explode and his chest is struggling to pull in the air his lungs so desperately need. 

“Hello?” Yunhyeong’s voice is raspy through the speaker and Hanbin feels a bit bad for waking him up, the older is probably hungover.

“Hyung-” his voice comes out all shaky and he can hear rustling on the other side of the line, Yunhyeong is probably getting out of bed, “I messed up.”

“Messed up how?” Yunhyeong asks softly, it always amazes Hanbin how he always manages to seem so calm, especially since he knows just how much the older worries about him.

“I told him how I felt.” the words come rushing out and despite the tightness in his chest it feels good to let it out, “I didn’t mean to, it just slipped out. I was so drunk and I was throwing up and I just- I just told him.”

“What did he say?” Yunhyeong prompts.

“Nothing.” Hanbin freezes in his steps, a lady walking her dog glances at him weirdly but he doesn’t care, he feels empty all of the sudden, “We just went to sleep.” 

“He didn’t say anything?” Yunhyeong sounds shocked, an almost offended tone to it.

“He might not have heard it.” Hanbin says flatly and he still can’t decide if he wants Jiwon to have heard, “My head was in the toilet bowl.”

“Hanbin-” Yunhyeong sighs and he can imagine him running a hand through messy curls, “you need to talk to him. Where are you now?”

“Almost home.”

There’s a beat of silence and then Yunhyeong sighs again,“Did he say anything when you left?” 

“He was asleep.” there’s a groan through the line and Hanbin feels bad for continuously dropping this in Yunhyeong’s lap over and over and _over_ again, “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay Bin.” Yunhyeong assures him, “Do you need me?”

“No. I’m okay.” he’s bothered him enough as it is.

“You need to talk to him.” Yunhyeong says again.

“I gotta go.” Hanbin can hear the start of a protest but he disconnects the call like the coward he is.

He knows Yunhyeong is right. He’s been telling him to talk to Jiwon since he first realised what was going on with Hanbin, but he was too kind, never pushing him and being there each time he broke down instead. Hanbin could have saved himself a whole lot of heartbreak if he just manned up and spit it out. The worst part is that he knows Jiwon wouldn’t have minded, sure he’d probably be a bit weirded out but Hanbin doesn’t think he’d just cut him off like the dark parts of his minds always painted the scenario to go. He doesn’t think he’s being overconfident in thinking Jiwon values their friendship just as much as he does. 

It’s the whole reason he’s here in the first place. He doesn’t want to lose what they have but it might be too late for that now.

He shoves his hands in his pockets and speedwalks the rest of the way home. He feels gross in more ways than one and a shower will help with at least one of the ways. As he climbs the stairs he wonders what Jiwon will think waking up without him there. Will he be disappointed? Relieved? Sad? He doesn’t have an answer but he doubts it will come close to what Hanbin felt each time he was in that same position. 

At least his headache had eased slightly with the fresh air and the hot water feels splendid on his skin. He forces himself to focus on the motorics of washing himself not wanting his thoughts to start running wild. That, he will have to deal with later, right now he just wants to enjoy the sensation of massaging his own scalp. 

There are missed calls displayed on his phone screen when he gets out of the shower, 2 from Yunhyeong and 5 from Jiwon. There are a few texts from them as well but he can’t bring himself to open them even though his eyes linger a bit on the latest message from Jiwon, a single _‘please’_ displayed. For some reason it feels desperate in a way he’d never associate with Jiwon, it’s especially strange since he has no idea what the messages before said. 

He groans at himself and frustratingly rubs his hair dry with his towel before putting on some clean and soft clothes. He grabs his laptop from his desk and lays down on his bed, hoping to watch some show and fall asleep to it. He needs a distraction. 

His plan works fairly well too. That is, until he’s woken up by insistent knocking on his door. 

He feels groggy and disoriented as he struggles to get out of the blanket burrito he somehow ended up in and he brings the covers with him to the door, wearing it like a cape. He cracks the door open and feels his stomach drop when he sees who’s on the other side and he grips the covers and pulls it tighter around himself, hoping it will somehow keep him from breaking.

“You didn’t answer your phone.” Jiwon blurts, his face is flushed and his breathing is a bit laborated, did he run here?, “Are you okay?”

“Yeah.” Hanbin nods quickly, “I just didn’t want to wake you and then I fell asleep.”

“Oh- okay.” Jiwon says awkwardly and he startles slightly when a door down the hall opens and one of Hanbin’s dorm neighbors walks past with a quick wave, “Can I come in?” 

“I uh-” Hanbin struggles to find his words, “I’m still tired and-”

“Do you remember last night?” Jiwon interrupts, placing his hand on the door as if he knows Hanbin wants to slam it in his face.

“No.”

He looks disappointed, which only confuses Hanbin. Jiwon must have heard what he said if he’s asking him now and Hanbin is giving them an out. Another chance to forget and ignore what Hanbin is feeling. 

“Are you sure?” Jiwon’s voice is small, it almost sounds like he’s begging. For what? Hanbin doesn’t know.

“Yes.” Hanbin lies, “Why? Did I say something?”

Jiwon’s eyes look glassy, like he’s about to cry and Hanbin wants nothing more than to reach out for him. He hates himself for making him look so sad but he isn’t brave enough to give in to his desires, never have been and never will be. 

“If you don’t remember,” Jiwon sighs deeply, “you probably didn’t mean it.”

“Would it matter?” Hanbin asks despite himself, “If I did remember?

“Yes.” a single tear escapes and Jiwon hastily wipes it away and he lets his hand fall from the door and takes a step back. 

He’s leaving and Hanbin must really be self destructive because he blurts out a quick “Why?” to make him stay.

“Because then, if what you implied-” he trails off, not really making sense when he picks up his train of thought again, “then I’d be able to tell you I mean it too.”

“What did I say?” Hanbin can’t believe this is happening, he can’t let himself believe it is, but he still has to ask, “What did I imply?” 

“I’m in love with you.” Jiwon says suddenly and Hanbin didn’t say that last night, not outright and it doesn’t sound like Jiwon is really answering his question either. 

“What?”

“I need you to know that.” Jiwon says and another tear falls and it seems like that’s all it took for the words to come spilling out, “You implied that you’re in love with me and I just- I am in love with you. It’s okay if you don’t feel the same way-” his voice is trembling and Hanbin grips his covers tighter, his own eyes watering up, “I don’t expect you to after all I’ve done. But if what you implied is true, or maybe it used to be true? I just I need you to know how I feel.”

His rambling almost doesn’t make any sense but Hanbin thinks he understands. He still can’t quite believe it.

“You’re in love with me?” 

“Yes.” Jiwon takes another step back and Hanbin sees himself reflected in those eyes of his. Jiwon is ready to run, he looks ashamed of what he admitted and in the many times Hanbin let himself fantasize about this exact thing, it had never been with Jiwon as the one on the verge of breaking, “I’m sorry if this ruins stuff between us but I just-,” panicked eyes look down the hall, towards the stairway - the escape - “I love you.”

He walks away but Hanbin can’t just let him go now and he lets his covers fall off his shoulders and on bare feet he rushes after him, taking hold of Jiwon’s wrist to stop him. And he does, but he doesn’t turn around and Hanbin can see his shoulders shaking. He rounds the older man and he isn’t very good with words so he lets his hands come up to rest on the sides of his face, gently wiping Jiwon’s tears with his thumbs.

“I remember.” Hanbin admits eventually, “I’m just a coward.”

“Be honest with me.” Jiwon begs, sniffling “What does that mean?” 

“I love you too.” Hanbin whispers, lips trembling with emotion even as the corners of his mouth tugs upwards slightly, “I have for so long.”

“I’m sorry.” Hanbin knows Jiwon doesn’t know the full extent of what he’s apologising for but it’s the closest to understanding it all that Jiwon has ever been and it feels like relief, “Can I kiss you?”

“Please.” 

It’s gentle and sweet and damn if Hanbin hasn’t missed Jiwon’s lips on his. But it feels so different now, this time it’s Jiwon desperately pulling him closer, one hand on his hip and the other at the back of his neck as if he’s trying to tell him he doesn’t ever want to part.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It’s finally over! I just wanted to say a huge thank you to everyone who’s read, given kudos and especially to those who have commented. It’s almost embarrassing how often I’ve needed to go back and read all the sweet comments to get the motivation to continue this fic. So thank you very much! I hope this ending is at least somewhat satisfying 
> 
> And as always, please let me know what you think!
> 
> And come talk to me on twitter:  
[@Ebbzon1](https://twitter.com/Ebbzon1)  
I also have a curioscat:  
[EbbaTriesToWrite](https://curiouscat.me/EbbaTriesToWrite)

**Author's Note:**

> Come talk to me on twitter: @Ebbzon1
> 
> Please let me know what you think!


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